My BFF -

I miss the way that he laughs and even cries. I miss his smell of baby lotion and freshly spit up formula. I miss that I smell like him. I miss him making that pain face when I sang to him. I miss him raging at me in the car seat. I miss him babbling to me. I miss telling him everything. I miss kissing him. I miss the weight of him in my arms. I miss the way he looks while he's sleeping. I miss our exercise program. I miss the eye connection that we could hold forever. It was this crazy secret language between us. It was a love that was so strong and powerful. I miss holding him so close that he became part of me. I had no idea how much I would fall in-love with my little man that first time that I saw him. The first time that I held him it freaked me out. I'm not even sure that I had even held a kitten that small. His skin was to big for his body. His breathing was irregular. I was terrified by him. The first night that I kept him Ang stayed with me. We really had no idea what we were doing. My maternal instinct was out of town that night. After a few days we started to feel more comfortable. Then one day I realized that this little boy was now apart of my soul. I always tried to make sure that I didn't get too attached. That so didn't work. Ayden is not my child, but I would do anything for him as a mother would. To not feel his skin on mine and feel his breath on my chest is an aching feeling. Lately it's become too much and I need to hold him. I need to kiss him. I need that feeling that he gave me. I feel like I'm a baby junkie and have not had a fix in a while. It's all I can think about. I must be going through detox and soon I'll be sweating, vomiting and shaking uncontrollably. Someone hand me a baby quick. This is just a little too much to take.

I love you BFF!

Tomorrow -

One more thing! My nipple-ectomy is tomorrow. I'm so freaked out that I have broken out all over. I look like I have chicken pox. Wish my nipple luck!

I hate the way that I feel -

Frenchie and I were driving home yesterday and had a great talk. It's not very often that he and I are on the same page. He's the level headed one. I'm the emotional one. I started telling him how mad I was at my mom. Don't freak out. My mom did NOTHING wrong. It's not her fault that I'm a nut job. She's in Seattle right now with N and the new baby. She was so excited to tell me about the matching dresses that she bought for her new granddaughters. I tried to smile and fake my enthusiasm, but on the inside I was just boiling. I'm left out of what I want more than anything in the world. I hate hearing about my dreams in my sisters hands knowing that I don't have that and I'm not sure that I ever will. I don't normally share my evil emotions with Frenchie. Still, he was really great and understanding. He even vented to me about the things that his own family says. Just the other day he heard from his pregnant sister. As much as he loves her he faked nice. "Have you heard anything from China?" "I just don't understand why it takes so long!" We had been trying to conceive for four months when she became pregnant the first time. Next month she is due with child number two. She is a lovely person and truly means the best. That does not change the secret anger we have about those comments, especially when it comes from so fortunate. The question and statement above is the most awful thing that is said to us at least a four times a week. We really do understand that people mean well, but it doesn't change the fact that it does us damage every time. I'm not sure what I really want from people. I know that it's not fair to be so upset when people that love you just want to try. I know that it's uncomfortable for them. I wish that I hadn't ever told anyone anything. I wish that I would have never had told people that we were trying to have a baby. I wish that I would have never told people that we couldn't make a baby. I wish that I had never mentioned the adoption. That way it would have saved myself from being so angry at people that are just caring and interested. I can't go back in time. I can't change the way that all of this turned out. I just can't figure out a way to get over my anger yet. So maybe I'm just a big ole nut job and that's who I am now.

PS - Mom, if you are reading this don't be mad. Some days I'm stronger than others. You shouldn't have to not share these things to me that mean so much to you. I have been so overloaded with baby lately. I need to learn to get pass these times on my own. I promise that I'm trying really hard to be a normal person!

The list -

So I totally just stole this list from someone else's bog. The worse part is that it's all true. These are things that people really say. I remember being on the other side. You know the person that's trying to be nice . It's uncomfortable and your not sure what to say. You try to be positive, deflect from their pain, and you even try to be funny. This list was passed off as a list that stupid people say. I'm just not sure that these are stupid or evil people. In fact I know that they are not. You don't know until you are on this side. On my side we become uber defensive and emotional. I can say this about "my people" because it's true. It hurts and angers us. I just don't know what the right thing to say is. I guess if you are one of "my people" and you know what you want to hear let me know. I'd really like to get past my this side and that side thing that I've got in my head.

1.Asking when we will get pregnant or when we will have another child
2.Constantly asking about our infertility treatments .
3.Making light of a failed cycle ·
4.Saying that you know exactly how we feel ·
5.Saying everything happens for a reason ·
6.Telling us to relax ·
7. Telling us to just adopt and then we'll get pregnant ·
8.Telling us that adoption is the easy way ·
9. Telling us that everyone goes through this it's no big deal.
10.Minimizing our pain in an attempt to make us feel better ·
11. Complaining about your kids, or saying we can have your kids for a while and then we wouldn't want any ·
12. Telling us to be patient ·
13. Telling a parent who's adopting that "you might still have a miracle baby someday" when in an adoptive parents eyes their child is a miracle baby ·
14. Telling us we are "trying too hard" ·
15. Telling us that you know a person who tried fertility treatments for years, but then they finally stopped and got pregnant all on their own ·
16. Relatives insisting that we go to brunches for a holiday celebration with lots of babies and children around, especially when we are in the middle of a treatment cycle or a miscarriage · Saying, "I just don't understand why you just don't adopt" ·
17. Saying "It's just terrible that you can't have any children, because I don't want to use my nanny five days a week anymore, I only want her two days a week, and if you had already had babies by now, we could have shared my nanny" ·
18. Asking every month what is going on ·
19. Coming right out and asking if we are pregnant because we look like we've gained weight (The medication we have to take typically causes weight gain) ·
20. Telling us every time you hear about a new infertility technique that is available. Believe us, we are acutely aware of what is out there and it gets exhausting to constantly hear about it from others ·
21. Telling us that you wish we had children too so our kids could play together.
22. Dwelling on your own children's annoying habits or antics It is painful to us to hear people saying things that we would give anything to experience.
23. Realize that seeing, hearing about, or talking to pregnant women can be very difficult even when it's your own sister or best friend.
24. It can be even more difficult to be around pregnant women that are complaining about being pregnant or are unable to discuss anything other than their pregnancy ·
25. Getting angry or hurt when we don't want to discuss infertility constantly after treatment fails telling us that we probably didn't want children that much anyway, especially if we make the decision not to adopt ·
26. Giving baby products or baby heirloom pieces prior to us being pregnant.
27. Telling other people the "good news" prior to a positive pregnancy result ·
28. Family members saying how desperately they want to be an aunt, grandmother, etc WE already know that you do. ·
29. Speaking of adoption as a second or lesser choice If the resolution is that we do adopt, then we will always remember those words and feel that our adopted child is second rate. ·
30. Although you are trying to help, saying optimistic things like "there is no problem and you'll get pregnant soon" actually makes things worse. It invalidates the biggest struggle of your life at that time ·
31. Telling us we are rude and bad friends if we can't talk to or hold your children ·
32. Bringing up years later how you can't believe we missed certain events due to our infertility treatments. We try very hard to let go of the painful past and it would help us so much if you did too ·
33. Telling us that we're "over-reacting" if we choose to avoid going to church on Mother's Day or choose to avoid baby showers or kid's birthday parties ·
34. Calling us "selfish" for not appearing happy for someone else's pregnancy. ·
35. Telling us how lucky we are not to have kids or offering us yours. ·
36. Telling us to just deal with it because if we don't deal with it we won't ever be able to be around pregnant women or little babies ·
37. Forgetting everything we've told you about our treatments and asking us the same questions over and over ·
38. Telling us, don't worry you'll get pregnant next month ·
39. Asking us to hold your child or touch your pregnant belly for good luck .
40. If you tell us a story about someone you know who went through infertility, that's okay, but don't use it as a way to tell us that "in the end, it will be all right" or "you'11 get pregnant too" · 41. Telling us how awful your pregnancy was and telling us we're lucky that we don't have to go through it.
42. Listening to you tell us how easy it was to get pregnant and that it was unplanned ·
43. Listening to you saying how you didn't want your kids so close together .
44. Telling me to get a less stressful job ·
45. Assuming it is the woman with the infertility issues ·
46. Pushing your religious issues on us. We need to do whatever we feel comfortable doing to achieve a pregnancy and have already dealt with the religious issues on our own. We don't need that added pressure from others ·
47. Telling us to enjoy our freedom now ·
48. Telling us that early miscarriages weren't really babies ·
49.Telling us that we are lucky we don't have kids so that we have money to travel, buy new things, etc ·
50. Telling us how lucky we are to go home to a nice quiet house.

My weekend-

N gave birth to a healthy baby girl on Friday......at home! Thank gawd the paramedics showed just as her head was coming out. Now, I'm only hearing the story and it freaks the bajeezous out of me. I could not imagine being there just the two of them. Yikes! Really I'm not sure what to say. The birth of my niece is a huge event, but I'm so freaked out by everything I'm not really sure what else to say. My shock over the situations has really suspended any emotions. Really I just can't get passed it yet.

Ang and I worked on baby shower invitations for Little Miss Russia. They are so damn cute. I'll try to get pics up later. If you asked me today I'd totally be able to go to the shower. I feel strong today. I really need this strength to hold me over for a while. I haven't figured out how I could possibly make it another two years. Truth be told I know that I can't. Frenchie has said that we can sit down and discuss other options while still pursuing China. At least I know that he is willing to talk about it. I've been honest about who I am and what I can and can't deal with. I can't deal with years before I am a mom.

Themes....

Working downtown Denver, specifically 16th Street, we get a ton of protesters. I'm fine with it. I figure that these are people that feel very strongly about the issue. Good for them. a few minutes ago a war protest just went by. I understand that. What I didn't get was it was an Indian (feather not dot) themed protest against the war. I'm not really sure what the deal was. Why themed?

My grandmother is not very happy with my lack of enthusiasm about being part Indian. She honestly does not get why I'm not into like other members of my family. She is very dismayed that I will not go and get my Indian card. To be honest, it doesn't matter to me at all. I see the world as a giant melting pot. I figure that I'm made up of many ancestries, why just single out one? Besides, can you see the giggles when a blond haired, blue eyed, really white chick goes to get my Indian card. Maybe I'd feel different if I looked more the part. I don't so no biggie.

I do plan on embracing my daughter's Chinese-ness. Still, I think that's totally different. It's important to me that I not push anything on her, but if she is interested that I encourage her as much as she'd like. I don't believe that the color of our skin truly makes us who we are. Sure it's a huge part of our identity, but to me it's really the character of the person that makes us, well us. Besides, I think that far too often parents of Chinese children almost make the Chinese culture a theme. Yuck! It makes me sick to see a nation of people being reduced to some take out boxes, dragon figurines, and red fans. It's really stupid.

Nipplegate -

So my nipple-ectomy is scheduled for next Friday. They are going to have to cut a portion of my nipple to remove this mole. Fun times for me.

I got a speeding ticket on my way into work this morning. I'm not mad or anything. I didn't play the little girl scheme and cry for him like I totally could have. Instead I owned up and was respectful. I figure that this guy has to deal with women trying to get out of tickets all day long. I really didn't feel like trying to take advantage. I was going 50 in a 35, so I deserved it. The police officer was very nice and took it down to a 44 in a 35 so that I didn't lose any points and it cost me less moola. I thought that was nice of him.

There is talk among the company that I work for that I just can't deal any more. Rumors are wide spread of my emotional breakdowns at work. It's only half true. I had one day that I cried all day and could not deal. That was last Thursday. Still, I was totally social with people. There was a story going around yesterday that I had to leave work early because I was too emotional. Seriously, I got a call at home last night to see if I was okay. I was fine. I was happy even. I left for Nipplegate. Sure, I'm not have an easy time lately. The thing is other than Thursday no one would have ever known. I'm pretty good. I fake things with ease. So I'm a little annoyed. Okay, more than a little.

Room to make mistakes -

So I had decided to take my mind off of things this weekend and give myself a project. Well it certainly worked. My project was to redecorate my family/tv room. I had decided to go with a brown and blue combination. I had already bought new drapes and pillows for the couch in the blue shades that I wanted. I envisioned painting my walls the same color blue as my room accents. Then I would do a ragging off faux finish in a oatmeal colored glaze. In my head it was so great. The blue would be there prominent in the room, but would not over power it due to my glaze. I guess the problem lies in the fact that I have a great imagination, but that doesn't always work in reality. It looked like CRAP!! I had to laugh at how badly it turned out. So I had a blue base coat. Half the room had been glazed before I finally gave up. There was about $80.00 down the drain. I headed back to the paint store and picked out what I thought would be a great medium beige that would look beautiful with the blue. The good news is that I was right. The bad news is that a medium beige in a basement room makes it like super dark in there. My options are to paint the room all over again (not going to happen) or just buy new lamps (so I guess that there is lamp shopping in my future). It was a lot of work and trouble, but it really did pull me away from my own drama. I liked that a lot. So it really wasn't too bad at all.

Frenchie and I had our Valentines massages this weekend. It was Frenchie's first one. I naturally had to freak him out before hand. It is true that men very often ummm pitch a tent while getting a massage. I also warned him that he must not pass gas no matter what.

Ayden got his first tooth. He's becoming such a big boy.

I've got a doctors appointment this afternoon. I need to have a mole looked at. I'm really freaked out since it's in a very sensitive place, my nipple. Now don't get carried away. It's not gross. In fact it's really quite cute. I'm my sluttier days I had receive many compliments. The deal is that it's changing colors. Way freaked out about that. I figure that they are going to have to burn or cut it out. Either way, I'm not okay. I'll keep you updated on dantdantdadant....Nipplegate!

The day after....

I'm still not doing so well. The good news is that I haven't cried all day. I've turned my hurt from yesterday into pure pissed off today. Ang and I had dinner last night and hung out. It was good for me to have her company. Still, I made the mistake of calling my sister A on the way home last night. I know that she means well, but she has no idea how to talk to me about this stuff. It makes me angry and it shouldn't. I just want so badly for her to not ask and say the same things that everyone else does. I hate to be asked if we have heard anything. I don't know how many times I have to explain it to people before they start to understand. The hair on the back of my neck stands up every time I hear "that sucks". It feels like there is a book being passed around to everyone I know. This book contains things to say that will make me want to vomit. MYG has an LID of 01/11/06. CCAI has estimated that they should receive referral in September. If that holds true it will be 20 months for her. That thought makes me sick to my stomach. We are a full 5 months after her. That tells me that our wait will be well over two years. I'm fighting my own gag reflex even typing that.

SERIOUSLY!!??

My mom just called to say that my sister N might be going into labor. Really?! Today of all days? Seriously, that's like cosmic "f- you" to me. I must have some really jacked up karma. It's actually kind of funny in a sick way. I really can't deal with that information right now.

9 months

I know that it's silly to hold so strong to a date. Today we have officially been logged into China for nine months today. I have spent the day in tears. I can't get it to stop for more than a half hour. I look like hell. I have done through an entire box of tissue. I'm a total mess. I can't help but to roll my eyes at my quest to be a mom. I realize that there are women out there that have had far more struggles for many more years, but these are my feelings. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not mad. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of being infertile. I'm tired of disappointment. I'm tired of being jealous. I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of feeling unstable. I'm tired of feeling robbed of my sexuality. I'm tired of questions. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired tired tired! Nine freaken months and god only knows how many more I have to go. I'm not saying that being a mom is going to make my life magical. I'm not saying that it's going to be all that I picture. I'd just like the chance to find out. I've always dreamt of being a mom. I've maternal urges coming out my ass! Over the years all of this has made me understand people in a way that I never did before. I can relate to people's feelings like I never knew that it was possible to do so. I get why there are so many damn crazy women out there. I'm sure that if I didn't have Frenchie that I could become one of them. I have the best friends and family in the world, but they don't really know how bad it gets. Frenchie is the sole person in this world that gets to see me in border line nut job mode. Okay so this blog is my diary where I bitch and moan, but he is the person that sees me actually go through it. There is a unquantifiable amount of trust that goes into showing it in front of another human being. After reading this I'm pretty sure that he'll be afraid of what he's going to see at home. Lucky man huh?

My ass....

Tomorrow is the 9 month anniversary of our LID. I hate it. What do I have to show of nine months of being truly paper pregnant? Ummmm...... I have an uncertain future. I have a bigger ass for sure. That's about it.

Speaking of my ass. I'm 10 pounds and 3 1/2 inches less than I was a month ago. This is good. Only 34 pounds to go! I'm not loving the diet, but I am trying. I'm not going to stay on the program once my paid time is up. I'm just working very hard to change those habits that put me in this position. I've been the chubby girl since I was 10. I did not understand nutrition and healthy habits growing up. I saw the struggles that my mom had, but walked her path as well. I'm still not sure that I understand how normal people eat. I'm not looking to be skinny. I'm looking to be a happy medium or should I say a healthy medium. I would ask you to wish me luck, but the truth is that luck has nothing to do with it. I know that it's all work and hard work at that.

It's so nice!!

The weather has been so lovely. I always appreciate warm weather, but this year I really worship it. The snow in my yard finally melted from our first big storm. This just happened last weekend! My yard seems so huge now. March is usually our snowiest month. I'm hoping that does not hold true this year. I need spring. I need crops, crapris, and sandals. So lets all think happy warm thoughts.

The baby, the mommy, and me...

It looks like I have Popeye arms.

In my head...

I can feel it coming on strong. No matter how hard I try to fight it, I'm going to hurt. I'm about to crack under the pressure of my own emotions. I had done so well for so long, but not so much lately. There is nothing that I can do speed up this wait. Most days I even question that it will happen. Every day this week I have fought back the tears and tried to redirect my thoughts. As the wait stretches out further and further so do my hopes. I don't know how much further I can go. I wish that there was some sort of miracle cure to my heartache. People must think that I'm a nut job. I try so hard to hold it together on the outside, but on the inside I'm a total mess. How much longer do I really have to go on this way? A year? Two? It's already been so long and so hard. Perhaps I'm just not strong enough to play out this game with the cards I was dealt. I just don't know how much I can take before I fold. Feeling powerless, hurt, and envious has left me trapped in myself. There is just no where to go to escape it.

Weighing in....

So for the first time was pretty damn cranky with a lady at the weight loss center. My weekend in GJ was not a perfect one. It was really hard to keep 100% to my diet. Still, I feel that I was very good about it. I was honest going in and told her that I had not stayed on track to the fullest. Even with my weekend I had lost a pound. I was thrilled with this. The chick didn't exactly feel the same. She spoke to me like I was a child. I got scolded. This is something that I'm not okay with. I've paid them A LOT of money. With that I expect some respect. They can absolutely point out mistakes or flaws to something that I put in my mouth. They can make suggestions that would be more sensible for me. It is unacceptable to treat me like a four year old. It is not okay for them to give me attitude. This is my body. If I jack up it's only me that suffers. Is it really too difficult to treat a client as you would want to be treated? I did not join some boot camp type of program. Why would the fact that I did not get all my fruit in effect her attitude towards me? Did it ruin her day? Was she in any trouble because I did not behave? This happened on Monday. I have to run back in today and now I really don't want to. This is the exact reason why I quit WW. I'm a freaken adult already! My mistakes are mine and I own to them. I'm not an excuse girl. I'm honest and take the full responsibility like every other person would. I guess that we'll see how it goes tonight. I had to pay for the program up front, so dropping out would be stupid. I'm worried that if this continues that I may have to muster up all my nerve and say something. This is not something I'm so great at. My mom didn't nick name the "The Gutless Wonder" for nothing.

aforeverfamily.org

Family and Friends
Because of separation from birth mother and at least one foster mother, often the baby may be waiting for the next caregiver to come along. Once the baby has had time to adjust to all of the different changes and learn who Mom and Dad are, it is often helpful to not only use family members and friends to run errands, cook meals, help keep house, etc. but to help them to always redirect the baby back to Mommy and Daddy. This will help establish that these two people are the primary caregivers and the most important people in his life.
A few months after my son came home, it was clear that he was waiting for his next mommy to come and take him away. He even began to do a lot of "mommy shopping" and would make cute noises for other women and reach out to strange and random women no matter where we were. During playdates he made it his mission to sit in another mother's lap and not mine. To the rest of the world he looked very social, happy, and personable. Our friends and family were thrilled, each thinking they had a special relationship with our son, but little did they know he would have just as happily gone to a complete stranger. Allowing this behavior to continue was allowing my son to continue to avoid me, his forever mommy, reinforcing that mommies are replaceable. I needed to prove otherwise. Upon seeing an attachment therapist one of the first things we had to work on was his lack of stranger anxiety and his use of other women to avoid an attachment to me. We taught all of our friends and family members whom we saw often to redirect his attention back to me immediately. Instead of allowing him to reach for Grandma and focus on her, Grandma would instead say "Hello, Johnny. I am your grandma. Where is your mommy? There she is. Mommy takes care of Johnny." And she would physically turn him around to go back to me. Exchanges like this continued for a long time until he knew I was his mommy and I was the one who took care of him. This is something that can be done from day one to help the baby learn and accept who Mommy and Daddy are and that they are forever. The baby cannot have a true relationship with anyone else until he has a healthy attachment with his mother and then father first.

I Heart China......

I want to say loud and clear that I am very thankful to CCAA. I am very respectful of China. I just get so unnerved to read postings of people that trash all over the fault of the wait. They always want to toss in a conspiracy theory and point figures. When does it sink in that we are all in it for the children? There is no way that CCAA or China considers adoption as a business transaction. These are children not souvenirs. Yes this wait sucks, but who do I blame? The truth of the matter is that I feel that there is no blame. As much as it kills me the wait is just what it is. I can only pray that CCAA feels that we are worthy enough to adopt an orphan from China. A human being and my daughter not a tea pot or string of pearls like people would treat the situation. It is not a business transaction. It is all very sensitive on both sides. My heart lies in China. There are the practical reasons that we chose the CCAI program, but there is always something more. China felt right to me. I felt it to the core of me. I will wait as long as CCAA says that we have to. My heart is in China and I'm not willing to walk away from that.

Well piss on this....

Just caught that CCAA has sent referrals up to 10/24/05. This means it was another month of referrals that is taking three to get through. I figure that there is no use moping about it. We'll get there some day. Right? Some days I'm not so sure. I feel a big melt down coming my way to be honest. It's like a perfect storm. My very baby filled weekend, referrals, and my loss of Ayden.

On a side note the plumbing in my building is not working. This is a huge issue for me as I drink more water by noon than most people drink in a few days. It's so gross in there, almost portapotty-esk. I can't do it. I'm about to explode, but the thought of going in their makes me want to vomit. I work downtown where there aren't public restrooms. In fact, you have to have a key to get into ours. I'm either going to pee in my pants or run three blocks where I think the manager of a restaurant I go to very often will let me use theirs. Restrooms are a VERY big deal to me. I know. I know. I'll never get by with the squatty potty in China. I'm well aware of this. I've decided to dehydrate myself for that two weeks. If I don't go that drastic I may die. Well - GOT TO GO!!

Meeting my neice....

Well I finally got to meet my niece. The moment that I held her tears started flowing. I still think that she looks just like her daddy in person. The thing is that in person she looks just like my grandmother that passed away several years ago. A has her facial features, but with my nieces dark skin and hair she is so much more my little Granny look a like. It truly did touch me. Friday was just us. It was just great. A and I took her shopping and then just hung out at home. I took the baby to bed with me that night. She was such a good girl for me. She started out in her bassinet. I took her out to feed in the wee hours of the morning and just never put her back. We slept side by side, spooned, and in the end she ended up on my chest. It really was a great night. Saturday was just a blur. We were so busy. A and I took the baby to see Little Miss Russia and "The Boss". I'm not going to lie. It got really hard for me to sit there and not cry. A and Russia talked so much about being pregnant and giving birth that I was sure that I wasn't going to make it out the door without a breakdown. My sister is a MOM. My sister just gave BIRTH. My sister has her DAUGHTER. As happy as I am it really did mess with my emotion. Don't freak, I didn't do or say anything to her. I would never do that to her. Still, it hurt like a punch in the gut. I would look at A with her daughter. She is so small and A is so attentive to her. There is a bond with those two from all that they have been through together in the last nine months. I'll never have that. I'll never have that. I'll never have that. On my way out of town yesterday I stopped to see Ayden. He made me feel so good. He was happy to see me. He was a ball of love and happiness. I know that he loves me now. He may forget me in a few weeks, but he knows and loves me now. I'm going to have to put away his things this week. My home is going to change. It will not longer smell of baby vomit. Diapers will no longer line the back of my couch. This morning I reached into the dishwasher and saw my nipple holder. I took it out and put it out of sight. It felt like I stabbed myself. Anyway, back on track. I also stopped to see my parents before I left. Mom gave me Tink! She a family heirloom that my sister N and I would have fought for. I have to admit that Tink really did make me feel better. Leave it to an inanimate object to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Mom had also sent me home with some pictures. There are several of Frenchie and myself. All I could think was how big I had gotten and how damn good looking my husband is. I hadn't realized until then how much I had missed him over the weekend. It was so lovely to be home with him curled up on the couch in time for Rome.

My hairy situation....

I have VERY straight "dirty" blond hair. It's not too thick or thin. So as you can imagine it just kinda hangs on my head. There is no body to it at all. So it had gotten too long and was not looking great. I decided to have a cut to give it some shape and take off length. So I had some longer layers put in it with about six inches taken off. I wasn't like thrilled with it, but at least it was a change. After a couple of weeks of getting up early because I had no choice but to curl it I decided to even it out. I go in to a different lady and explained that I would prefer not make the layers so drastic. I didn't want a blunt cut, but I needed the option of being lazy about curling my hair. She said sure and went for it. I have to admit that it was my own fault for not checking, but she styled my hair without showing me the actual cut. I figured okay after she told me that my layers were blended together far better than they were before. STUPID!! The next morning I realized after my shower that she gave me the EXACT same hair cut but two inches shorter. I gave it a few days and went to yet another lady. By this time I was a mess about what was happening to my head. the good thing is that she was so understanding that she gave me a mirror so that I could check very snip. There goes another two inches. My hair looks far from great, but at least I know that in a couple of months it will be much more bearable.

For what ever reason I'm a total coward in the salon. I've never been able to tell someone if I didn't like the job that they did. I just pay my bill and go. I'm not the only one. CC went it to get a nice medium brown color. She walked out looking like she could host Goth Talk. Still, she never said anything to the guy. When does our own self esteem trump the hair dresser's feelings? I'm so eager to please their job, but crying in the car. Why am I so dumb?