The Storm Part Deaux!

Well we are in the middle of yet another huge storm. The good news is that people are staying home and safe. There is almost no traffic, so for those of us that had to work today it really wasn't so bad. It's a different kind of snow this week. Last week it was dry and windy. That caused white out conditions and massive snow drifts. This go round the snow it's really wet and the wind has not picked up too bad. I have to admit that it's really beautiful. The trees are stunning. Six Flags was even such a display on my way in to downtown. Really just breath taking. I wish that I had a camera on me to take a picture of the view from my office window. I work in downtown Denver on the 16th St Mall. My window over looks the mall and it's certainly a view today that I can't get enough of.

Since we have had all this snow there are many snowmen in my neighbourhood. I can't help but to imagine building one with Sophia. It's the little things like snowmen that excite me thinking about her. Don't get me wrong, I am very firmly grounded in the reality of being a parent. It's not all snowmen and joy. I understand that. On the other hand it's not all hard, there are snowmen moments in being a parent that have to be amazing. I may live in that imaginary world from time to time and I'm good with that. I think that we all need little happy thoughts to balance out our lives.

In other news, I talked to my sister N last night. For such a long time she was avoiding me. She thought that by talking about the up coming baby that it would hurt me. I think that maybe she understands that it's all okay. I love both of my sisters big time. I am overly excited about being a real aunt. I'm not sure if I have mentioned it or not but I Frenchie and I even have silly little names that we want to be called as an aunt and uncle. It's not something that I think, it's that I KNOW that I am going to be the favorite aunt. I am far too happy to make an ass of myself entertaining kids. In fact, that's when I'm the happiest. So for N to think that I would get upset talking about a new blessing to our family was just goofy. I'm happy that we can resume a normal relationship with each other. It's important to me that I stay close with my sisters. I wasn't ever close to A until the last couple of years. These days I can't go for more than a couple of days without chatting with her. She has totally become one of my best friends. With N it's been the opposite. She and I were SO close and then had a falling out. We have kissed and made up since then, but has never been the same as it was. I truly hate that. Still, I want to keep working to get us back to where we were. It's a big deal. We may all be adults, but I still take my job as the big sister seriously. I'll be 92 and feel the same way.

Dossier and Matching Room Pics!

I thought that this was cool. Here are a couple of pics from the new CCAA building in China. You see all those files? Those are all dossiers. Just a reminder that a dossier is a file that represents each family. It's kinda sad to see my hopes and dreams sitting on a shelf. On the other hand it's so damn cool to see them there. The next pic of the cube farm is the matching room. These are the lovely ladies and gentlemen that match each family to a child. Do you think that they realize that they determine the future. They are the ones that decide what little girl is my Sophia. They must have the best job ever. They make families. They will someday make mine. I can't help but to have some sort of crazy affection for them. Anyway, thought that these were cool and wanted to share.

Our Parenting Plan......

A few weeks ago Mom and I were having a discussion about Ayden. I had mentioned that he is held by us and his mom for the most part. With us he is only down for about 10 to 20 minutes a night and then when he's in a deep sleep. My mom was kinda freaked by this and wanted us to know that we should put the baby down so that he'll learn. She followed that up with Frenchie and I needed to learn as well for Sophia.

I'm not trashing my mom at all. This is how typical parenting in our country works. I'm not disputing that it's a bad thing or wrong in any way shape or form. The thing is that Frenchie and I are going to have to parent our baby differently. Our circumstances are going to be very different from most people that have their baby from birth. We'll have a baby that has most likely been in an orphanage for months after being abandoned. So what I have decided to do is toss in a few articles in every once in a while to help my friends and family understand why we may do things that our society finds very wrong. I know that there will be a lot of negative things said about the way we will do things, but I can't let that get to me. We will be doing these things for a reason. Our attachment is far more important that any one's opinion. I'm not trying to offend, just educate on what we'll be facing.

Promoting Attachment in Adopted Infants by Jessica Jerard
The following are recommendations from therapists and parents to help infants develop secure attachment to parents. Babies with attachment problems may be quite resistant and unresponsive for a while, and eliciting eye contact, smiles and cuddles may need a great deal of perseverance from parents. Most parents will naturally do some of these activities, but other practices are quite different from the normal American customs for older babies. New parents may wish to try them for the first weeks to promote rapid and secure attachment, and to minimize possible long-term problems, even if the baby appears to be bonding well. These practices would be beneficial for any newly-adopted baby.These activities encourage the baby to regress to early infancy, and experience the situations which build attachment from birth. Parents recreate the attachment cycle deliberately and intrusively, actively discouraging the independence and separation which is age-appropriate in normally developing birthchildren.. They create frequent situations where they interact intensely with the baby. Parents try to be extremely alert to the baby's signals, responding quickly and consistently. Parents do not deny that the baby has suffered trauma, but are empathetic.
1. Ease the trauma of transition as far as possible. In some countries, you can visit the baby in the orphanage several times before taking him or her away, but in others, the baby is abruptly taken and handed over to the parent's care. The total sensory impact of this sudden removal from familiar sights, smells, sounds and textures is often traumatic. Anything you can do to provide continuity can help. Ask about the baby's routines, likes and dislikes. Some parents have been able to send a receiving blanket or soft toy beforehand to the orphanage with their own body scent on it (sleep with it under your nightwear) so the baby recognizes them by smell. Even if washed on return, it will have the familiar smell of the orphanage to comfort the baby. When you receive the baby, leave the original clothing on for the first few hours if possible, keep at least one piece of clothing if permitted (take new clothes to exchange) and keep it, unwashed, in the crib for a few days. Keep the baby on the formula and foods given in the orphanage for at least a few days, and make the transition to new formula gradual. A tape or CD of lullabies or other singing in the baby's native language can calm and comfort the baby. Once at home, an unvarying and predictable daily routine will help your baby feel more safe and secure.
2. Focus on building the relationship with the mother (father if adopting as a single parent, of course). The mother needs to establish her dominance as parent. Only the mother should do the feeding, and should do much of the holding and play. This may seem hard, but this primary bond is crucial for normal emotional development. Let no one else hold the baby except the parents, even at the airport on your triumphant arrival home!! Isolate yourselves with the baby at home for the first week or two, with as few visitors as possible. Do not let visitors hold the baby. Mothers can use the same baby soap, shampoo and lotion, to bond through the baby's sense of smell.
3. Feeding is very important in building attachment. Orphanage babies are usually accustomed to holding their bottle themselves, or may be weaned from the bottle already. Experts strongly recommend returning to bottle-feeding. The mother should always hold the bottle, holding the baby in the classic cuddling position and get eye contact all the time while feeding, if necessary by stroking the baby's cheek, or talking to attract attention. Do not allow the baby to bottle-feed himself or herself. Let the baby continue to bottle-feed this way well into the second year, and beyond if necessary, regardless of the standard advice of pediatricians to stop bottle feeding at 12 months. The baby needs this bonding experience. (clean teeth afterwards to avoid decay in toddlers)When the baby is eating solids, the mother should always feed him or her herself. Do not encourage early independence in self-feeding. Hold the baby on your lap if possible, with eye contact. If the baby must be in a high chair, keep it very close to you, between parents if possible, and touch him or her often, use lots of eye contact and conversation. If the child insists on self-feeding, play interactive, reciprocal feeding games - you put a Cheerio in her mouth, she puts one in your mouth.
4. Lots of physical contact is very important. Orphanage babies are typically severely deprived of physical contact. Hold and carry the baby as much as possible. Cuddle, caress, stroke and rock, gentle wrestling and tickling are fine if not over-stimulating. Cuddling the baby with eye contact while rocking her or him in a rocking chair is very beneficial: some therapists advise scheduling a half-hour rocking time a day. Use a baby sling or cloth carrier ( Snuggly, etc) to carry her or him facing inwards against your body, wear the baby all day while you go about household tasks. Obviously, you will need to use a car seat while driving, but when you get to your destination, do not carry the baby about in the plastic baby carrier, but hold him or her in your arms, or against your body in a cloth baby carrier. If you do use a stroller, get one that reverses, so the baby faces you. Wear soft clothing without hard belts and buttons. Maximize skin-to skin contact by both wearing short sleeves, holding the naked infant against your bare skin at times and enjoying warm baths or swimming together, or going to infant swimming classes. Massaging the baby with baby oil is very beneficial.
5. Engage in frequent playful interaction with your baby. Do not leave the baby to entertain herself or himself for long periods. All of the traditional "baby games' are great: pat-a-cake, blowing "raspberries", peek-a-boo, counting rhymes with fingers and toes (this little piggie) "riding" the parent's leg, rolling a ball back and forth, imitating the baby's sounds, etc. Play together with baby toys. Swinging in a baby swing is great, if you have the baby face you, and make him or her look at you and interact with you to get you to swing her again. Therapists strongly recommend using a large mirror for babies who resist eye contact, so that when the baby turns away, she sees you still, cuddling her. Play games using the mirror.
6. Night-time parenting is important, too. Babies with attachment problems should be responded to when they cry in the night. Again, the key is to treat them as newborns. They still need to learn that their cries will always be answered. Mom should stay with the baby as she or he falls asleep, rocking, singing, caressing, etc. Parents should comfort the baby whenever he or she cries in the night. These babies typically sleep in the parents' room, either in their own crib near the parents' bed, or with the parents in the Family Bed ( if you choose this option, be sure to follow all safety recommendations to ensure the baby does not suffocate on or under soft bedding, get lodged between the bed and the wall, or adjacent furniture, or get suffocated accidentally by parents ) Again, this is a situation where others, including your pediatrician, may advise you to teach the older baby to sleep by herself or himself, by letting him or her "cry it out". Leaving a baby to cry is not appropriate for poorly attached infants. When a child seems securely attached then parents may want to encourage the baby to learn to sleep through the night alone. Be sure to eliminate medical causes if the baby's sleep is restless and frequently interrupted by waking and crying: ear infections and lactose intolerance are possible causes of poor sleeping.
7. Holding Time. Many attachment therapists and parents whose children have overcome attachment problems believe this therapy is crucial. The mother holds the child in the cuddling position, with one arm behind her, and tries to maintain eye contact. She may talk reassuringly to the baby about how much she loves her, and will protect her and always be with her, dealing with the issues that have created rage in the baby. The baby will resist and rage, but the mother persists in gently but firmly holding until they reach resolution, a period of relaxed, happy and affectionate interaction between mom and baby. This parenting technique was developed by Martha Welch to improve attachment and behavior in normal children, but it has been found to be especially effective in treating RAD, and some adoptive parents choose to resolve attachment issues by beginning to use this method soon after adoption. For further information on this technique, read Martha Welch, Holding Time.


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Like I said, I'm not disputing parenting in America. All I'm asking is that you give us a little understanding for our situation.

Desperately Seeking Sophia

Since June of 2005 I have been obsessed with information from China / adoption. It started needing information about the adoption program. I read every agency's site in total. I had all the rules and regs committed to memory before we had even "started" researching. At our CCAI information meeting nothing came as a surprise. I found blogs and forums to get personal experiences. I found more and more resources on-line like the RQ. I'm not sure that these things have done anything to help my state of mind. The thing is that I CAN'T stop. I'm constantly checking throughout the day for updates or anything. It's the only link that I have. It's the only connection to it all. When you are pregnant there is a baby growing in your stomach. There is a link to your child. Being paper pregnant there is nothing to link you to your child. It's a very empty feeling. For all this time I have tried to fill that emptiness with any news or information that I could get. But sadly it's not enough. There is never enough to get me by or settle my nerves. I really hate that. I just want so badly to feel complete or even good. I get so damn tired of feeling this way. Something that makes me scoff is that in the new CCAA regs it states that people that have been medicated for depression are no longer allowed to adopt. I may have to be medicated for the depression brought on by my adoption. I'm actually not joking.

Crappy Chistmas

I'll be honest. We did not have a very merry Christmas. As a matter of fact, it kinda sucked. Both Frenchie and I were in a funk. I guess that I should start out with the obvious. It was three years ago on Christmas Eve that we decided to start a family. That was the last birth control pill that I took. We (or to be more accurate I) was very excited about this. Frenchie didn't really get on the same level until like April-Mayish. Anyway, the next Christmas Eve I was SURE that we had made a baby that night. The next year would be full of fertility testing and disappointment for the both of us. Last Christmas wasn't so bad. We had Shane and Ang over. So close family in other words. It was happy and joyful. We KNEW that it was our last without a child. We would totally have Sophia by now. We celebrated it like it was the last. This year year we were both numb and tired. There was no Christmas sparkle and shine. It was just depressing. It was just one more year gone by that our dreams had not come true. Next year? Well, I doubt it. I can no longer allow myself to get my hopes up like that. I also felt like we were so alone this year. We have celebrated Christmas just the two of us several times and it was so great. This year it just felt lonely. I think that the reason for that is that there was not another soul to distract us or to make us pretend like everything was okay until we actually felt that way. It was just him, me, and that empty feeling. We went through the motions, but talked about how we felt about the day. I'm just glad that it's over.

After the storm.....

One of the things that really bothered me about the storm was the lack of human interest by employers. In my own personal experience, there were many people put out at me for not staying at work. Those people were far away from the storm and comfortable in the thought that they were going to make it home. Here in Denver we did not have that same comfort. It was ridiculous at the way that I was treated. It wasn't just me either. I heard countless stories of employees not allowed to leave. It was bad enough to have to come in, but very wrong to have to stay. I think that every employer that would not let their staff go should be completely ashamed of themselves! It makes me sick that we value productivity more than the safety.

On the other side of the coin I also witnessed people helping each other out. There were people out in that storm just there to help others in need. It really did make you feel better to know that in bad situations that there are people that are willing to lend a hand. It makes the world a better place.

It's going to be a white Christmas!

In 2003 we had a nice little blizzard that kept us trapped in the house for four days. It really wasn't too hard on us. Frenchie was able to work from home. I was on vacation that week anyway. Neither one of us was out in the storm. We only saw the view from our living room windows. That storm was much worse than what we faced this week. Still, I wasn't sure that I was going to make it home on Wednesday night. I was unable, due to the masses of people, to get home Wednesday afternoon. I headed over to some friends' house. By the way, I am so grateful to Ang, Puff and, Mark for letting me crash for a couple of hours. Once I was calm, rested, and ready to head out again it was dark and there had been an additional couple of inches hit the ground. I have never in my life seen what I faced on my drive home. Thankfully there was nobody out on the roads. There were times that I was in a full on white out and would have to just stop in the middle of the interstate. What was normally three lanes of traffic became one. I was truly terrified that I wasn't going to make it home. I could not see my exits. There were cars abandoned every where. I was never so happy to get home.

I'll include pics of my house and even my boys from next door.

Chit to the chat...

Well, I'm feeling MUCH better. I can't ever remember having the stomach flu that bad in my life. It was insane how bad it got.

The entire quilting thing got me into thinking about my home ec teacher. Mrs K was that teacher that allowed me to see myself for who I was. I adored this lady. She was the sponsor teacher for the FHA and I became the president. This was a big deal to me and I was really good at it. She taught me how to embrace my own skills. I'm a better person for it today. So I googled her. I found the school that she now teaches in as well as a picture of her and an e-mail address. So after all this time I e-mailed her. I had hoped that she would remember me, but I did understand that she had a hundred students that perhaps felt that they were special to her. I was so excited to get a response from her this morning. Not only did she remember me, but she remembered everything about me. She reminded me of friends that I had back then and even asked about my sister A. I was thrilled to say the least. She confirmed that I had been one her very favorite students as well as a friend in all her years as a teacher. What do you even say? I felt just as special today as I did back in high school.

We went to Puff's last night for a holiday dinner with all of our friends. It was so great. The room was beautiful. The food was too good and plentiful. It was just great to see those guys that I don't get to see very often.

As far as the holidays go I'm not Scrooge, but not exactly in the spirit this year. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, but I'm not really into it. Not a big deal. I guess that since it's just me and the big guy that there is no little person to really get into it for. I just pray that next year we might have Sophia and a true blessing for the holiday.

Now that we are officially six months into our referral wait I'm not sure how to feel. It's a treadmill and we are moving to stay in the same place. When we first looked into the China program there was only a six month wait from LID to referral. These days we only know that as each month of batches come out we only get further and further away from seeing our little girl. I can't blame anyone or anything. It's just the hand that we have been dealt.

Quickie

I have been extremely sick the last few days. I don't have the energy to do much of a post today. I did want to take a moment and acknowledge that today is our 6 month LID anniversary date.

Talking about the new regs

It looks so far like I was correct about the new regs by the CCAA will not take affect until May 2007. This is very good news for Frenchie and I. We would have most likely been fine anyway, but I'd rather have not had to find out. To me, it seems like the new regs are being put into place to bring down the number of people adopting from China. There are still hundreds of thousands of children in orphanages. That has not changed. The fact still remains that out of those children only a very small percentage are allowed to be adopted out internationally at this time. As I have explained before this is the reason that our wait times get longer and longer. The wait is hard and I will never say other wise. Still, I have to keep in mind that these are children that we are talking about. It's easy to slip into the supply and demand aspect of it all. That is not something that I want to do in this post. I know very well that China sets their rules for a reason. The thing is that I also know far too well that it's crushing to think perhaps you will never get a child due to one of the regs. My heart goes out to those that will be turned away. It could have easily been me. There are many people that were planning on adopting again and this has hurt them greatly. One of the many blogs that I read had a posting of a lady that felt like this was infertility all over again. It broke my heart to hear that. I will not invalidate her feelings. I will say that she has a beautiful daughter from China and has that joy that so many may never know. There are others that ache because they do not feel that there family is yet complete. I'm sincerely sorry that the new regs could mean that it never will. It's just a hard call. From my position I don't understand. Even if were are only blessed with one child that is more than I ever hoped could happen for us. Still, it does not mean that their feelings are any less than mine. I just can't fully get a grasp on it. I know that it is simply that from where I'm at I can't see anything except for my very own pain. No matter couples with no children or a family of five, we all get hurt and ache for what we can't or even don't yet have. I just want to be a mom. It becomes hard to keep the faith that I will one day hold my daughter (or son) in my arms.

My tough lesson....

It was our annual company Christmas party this weekend. There are hundreds of people that show up. It's really a big deal in our company. For the most part I had a good time. There were portions that I wish that I could block from my mind forever. The hardest was one was where I felt attacked buy a guy that I used to consider my friend. He want on a rant when he found out that we were adopting. He raged about importing the Chinese. He was even dear enough to mention the girls that are drowned. He thought he was so cool with that one. I told him that he was going to hell, but that's all I did. I'm so ashamed that I didn't do anything or say more. I stood there shocked and hurt. I thought about it all day yesterday. I've cried about it all day today. I'm not going to change his mind. To be honest I'm not sure that I even would want to. He must have had a lot of hate for me to even say what he did. I'm just so damn mad at myself. I just stood there like the drunken idiot that I was. It's too late for me to do anything now. I have to prepare myself for this in the future. People are going to say what ever they like. I need remember that I can do the same thing. I have a sharp tongue and need to use it on miserable SOB's like Bill. I'm an evil bitch and will totally use that to verbally kill someone. I can never let myself just stand there ever again. My goal is if this ever happens again that I'm not the person that crying about it later. It better be the stupid bastard that made the mistake of saying something to me. In time I'm sure that I'll forgive that unbelievable SOB Bill, I'm just not sure that I'll forgive myself for not kicking his ass. I'm okay with people not liking my decisions. I'm just not okay with people feeling that they can spew their hate on me.

New CCAA Regs

Dear CCAI Families,

The China Center of Adoption Affairs held their 2006 Adoption Agency China Liaison Annual Information Meeting at its office yesterday. At the meeting the CCAA announced some upcoming adoption policy and practice changes. According to our Beijing staff who attended the training, these changes include the following:

Beginning Jan. 1, 2007, the CCAA will raise its service fee: $820 for a traditional program adoption (a $210 increase), and $590 for a Waiting Child Program adoption (a $170 increase).
No single dossiers will be accepted after May 1, 2007.
Applicants qualification changes (with little detail and no effective date provided):
weight restriction
minimum net worth requirement
substance abuse
health concerns
Waiting Child Program operation procedure changes.
The CCAA also predicted that the child match wait will not get shorter in the foreseeable future due to the influx of adoption dossiers. However, the CCAA did not say how long the wait will become.

No official written documents or announcements were distributed by the CCAA at the meeting. We hope such written documents will be made available soon by the CCAA. We believe that these qualification changes will have little or no impact on families whose dossiers have already been logged in at the CCAA. For families who are still in the dossier compilation process, we will contact every individual family should any verified changes affect your adoption.

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This was the statement my agency released today. My assumption is that the new regulations will not effect those of us that are already LID. We'll have to wait and see. I'll let you know. The RQ's information stated that there were half has many paper ready babies as there are waiting families. She also had some more detail on the new restrictions. The weight restriction is no person over a 40% BMI. Minimum net worth is $80,000.00. She also had no criminal record where there is no mention of that in this statement. RQ had also stated that the they would no longer allow anyone over the age of 50.

Like Mother Like Daughter

Every once in a while I'm caught off guard when I notice I'm doing something that is something my mom does. As soon as this happens I must immediately slap myself in the face. I know that it happens to all of us at one time or another, but it still comes as quite a shock. My mom laughs at me in these situations and thinks that it's so funny. The best part is that when you tell her that she sounds just like my grandmother she looks as though I have just slapped her in the face. When does it happen that this person that drives you nuts becomes part of your own personality? It can feel like being possessed. I can hear the words coming out of my mouth, but they are not my own. They are being shoved through my vocal cords by a force that is not natural. Before I know it I have uttered the statement "It's colder than a well digger's butt!" It's really quite shameful. Sometimes it's not even a saying. I sleep in the car/airplane just like my mother. My jaw drops, my head tilts back, and start to ever so slightly snore. It's the worst. Even my own facial expressions betray me and use one of her staple expressions. Now as I say all this I want you to also understand that there are other things that I love that I do just like her. I have noticed myself saying the exact same things to Ayden that she says to babies. I even use the same tones when I speak to him that she would. I touch him the way that I have seen my mom do a million times with babies. I just love that. So, as much as it drives me crazy to see her coming out of me I certainly hope that I channel her in motherhood. There was never a time that we were afraid to cuddle up to her. There was never a time that she did not listen as we cried when someone hurt our feelings. All three of us girls know that we each have our own special bond with her that could never be broken. I do understand that I'm very fortunate to be blessed with such a mom. I wonder what my own daughter will take from me that drives her nuts or fills her with joy. Will she find herself saying one of my phrases that always embarrassed her? Will she pass on the same sweet affection that seems to be passed down to each generation in my family. I certainly hope so, in both cases!

PS - It was not my time with Ayden that prompted my thinking. I was actually in the bathroom and let out a big ole fart. I swear that for a moment I thought my mom could have been in the next stall guilty of that noise. Sad and embarrassing, but true.

Live and Learn (NOT a negative nelly post)

We are still having the best time with Ayden. Our time is really put into thirds. I have him for a third of the time. Frenchie and I share him a third of the time. That final third is boy only time when I go to bed. In the short time that we have been keeping him I have already started to get wise. First of I do a crappy job of parking in the garage downtown. That way I have at least tried to give enough space between my car and the one next to me to get the car seat in. Speaking of the car seat, I'm getting some real upper body strength toting that bad boy around. As soon as we get home I only have minutes to use the bathroom, change cloths, make him a bottle and grab water for myself. Once I take him into the family room I have to stage everything so that I can hold him and reach anything I might need without pissing him off. When Frenchie gets home it's dinner time. He eats and then he takes Ayden while I do. The both of us are really good about jumping to meet his needs. If I have Ayden in hand then Frenchie will go prepare a new bottle. If Frenchie has him, I'll go get him a soda (Frenchie not the small baby). We are learning as we go. We still have lots of stuff to find out. One example is when people with babies have sex? Since we would not be alone until Saturday Frenchie and I were trying to schedule it. Doesn't scheduling intimacy sound cool? The best part of that was that the time we came up with 7:00 AM on Saturday. Like that's going to happen! So this baby sitting gig has, so far, worked out well for all of us. Frenchie and I get time, if only pretending, to be parents. Ayden gets a ridiculous amount of attention. While his mom gets to know that he is being taken care of and loved when she's at work. I have to say that I really think that he's good for my own state of mind. I get to use a part of myself that I started to feel was gone. He needs me to be maternal and loving. I need to remember that it is and has always been the biggest and best part of me. Besides, getting a sneak peak of Frenchie as a dad is better than cash.

Dr. Phil and the BFF

The RQ posted today that she does not see any sign of speed up. It's funny, but Doctor Phil was quoted with his 'your past behavior is the only indicator of your future behavior'. So the deal is that referrals have been at a snail's pace for the past 15 months. There is no indicator that there will be a speed up. I can always hope for a speed up, but I can't rely on it. I do think that it's important to be realistic, but I think that realistic blows.

By the way, Frenchie has a new BFF and his name is Ayden. I'm not sure who likes who more. Frenchie wanted to be holding, talking to, and playing with him all night. Ayden so loves Frenchie right back. Even when I'm holding him he has to look at Frenchie the entire time. It was so great. I love it that not only does he feel comfortable with a baby but that he WANTS to be with a baby. Every time that I'm sure that I could not love that man any more I'm proven wrong. I truly married the sweetest, cutest, and most loving man that I have ever known to exist. I know that was a little cheesey, but you'd say the same thing if you were at my house last night. Seeing Frenchie with Ayden would melt anyone's heart. If and when that day comes, I know that Sophia is going to be a lucky girl to have him as her daddy.

Devil Rant

I've lost the will to stalk. Yes, it's true. There were countless Asian girls in the mall Friday night, many of them with white parents. They did not get a second look. There was no heart pitter. There was no prolonged glance. There was certainly not any following at a safe distance trying/afraid to talk to parents. There was nothing.

Yes, I'm angry. Yes, I'm hurt. Every time that I think that there is nothing left of my broken heart I find out that I'm wrong. I want to scream. I want to throw, kick, or punch. I want to get this feeling out of me. I want the world to know that it's not okay. I'm not okay. It's not fair. It's fucked up. As if it wasn't bad enough to be infertile. I guess that a certain someone thought that I needed to be put through much much more pain. I just don't get how everyone stays so damn cheery and positive. Don't they know? Don't they understand? Is it yoga? Is it a prescription? I'd love to have a rosy out look, but it's just not there. This feeling has consumed me. It feels like I will never be a mom. Or by the time that I am I'll be this bitter angry shell of what I used to be. As it now, I can't stand looking into a mirror. I have gotten bigger than pre TrimSpa Baby Anna freaken Nicole Smith. My skin looks like I have a flesh eating disease that people only get in Africa. I finally look on the outside what I feel like on the inside. When I read my own posts on this blog I don't really like the person that I'm reading. What happens to me as this just gets longer and longer? Will there be anything left of me?