My lovely little weekend....

It was a good weekend really. The Attachment and Bonding class was excellent. I'm really glad that Frenchie and I are not wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to our adoption. I think that it's important to pray for the best and prepare for the worst.

Ang and I had a great time at our class making recipe books. I messed up. She messed up. But it was fun and I still think that our books are super cute.

Most of the afternoon was spent applying the face for my costume. It really was a lot of work. The party was good and we all looked great. I even won a prize for my costume! It was a first for me.

I got so much done on Sunday that I was pretty proud. I got my oven clean and my pantry organized. I just need to vaccuum and I'll be back in business. I know that I'm a dork, but I love a clean house!

100 things about me....The End!

76. When I was little I wanted to be Mexican. Still to this day I would love the dark hair, eyes, and skin tone.
77. I wear make-up every day, but not lip stick.
78. I still like to pretend to be a ballerina and dance around my kitchen.
79. I once has a dirty sexual dream about Tim Burton. CREEPY!!
80. I always lied and told parents that their kids were good when I babysat. Even if they were total shits.
81. I never talk politics.
82. I have never named my boobs....and I'm okay with that.
83. I'm glad that I'm from Texas because of my families pride for it, but I'm really glad that we moved away when I was young.
84. I LOVE celebrity gossip.
85. I love gossip in general.
86. I've never gotten into the cowboy thing.
87. I'm okay that my dad is not my birth dad.....other wise I might not have an ass at all.
88. My girlfriend and I used to steal make-up in middle school.
89. All of my friends are so much smarter than I am.
90. I'm a loud talker.
91. I sometimes talk to people on the phone while I'm using the little girls room.
92. I still wonder about boys from my past.
93. I fold Frenchie's underwear, but not my own.
94. I use my fake voice when I'm on the phone at work.
95. I like the smell of gasoline.
96. I was never popular in school, but very popular at work.
97. I lie at least once a day.
98. I still get angry with God about my infertility.
99. I have tried to give myself an eating disorder, but lack the discpline.
100. I'm so freak glad that I'm done with this. It was hard to come up with any more stupid shit.

Keeping you in the loop...

Referrals are still not out yet. Hopefully tomorrow? Anyway I thought that I would help bring you into my world. The last referral cut off was 8/9/05. The next cut off is still unknown. Below is a snippet from the RQ explaining what it would take as far as cut off dates to constitute a speed up.

"If they only do through the 23rd then that will be a bit slower, but we could also assume they did some of the 24th but did not send it.
If they do through the 24th this will be a little more than they have been doing. But not so much that we could call it a speed up.
If they do through the 25th that will be impressive. Enough to make people six or eight months out have maybe a month or two less wait if they keep that rate up.
If they do through the 26th that will be very impressive.
The 27th and 28th were a weekend. The 29th was a very small day. Making it to those days isn’t mathematically more impressive than the 26th but would be a good morale booster.
If we think that they may be heading towards a stabilization though, then we’d need to see them go to at least the 30th. That will be about 1.5 the number that they have been doing. I have not seen anything saying they are going to do the 29th or 30th."

I really do hope that this helps for those that don't breath, eat, and sleep this adoption. I know that it's not always easy to follow so I'm doing my best to explain. I also thought that I would through in our time line so far.

01/19/2006 - USCIS apt for Frenchie's green card. We dropped off our adoption to CCAI.
2/11/2006 - CCAI orientation.
2/18/2006 - First home study with SW.
3/11/2006 - Home study completed after 4 visits.
3/25/2006 - Finger printed.
5/5/2006 - Received 171
6/9/2006 - DTC
6/15/2006 - LID

What's in a month?

When Frenchie and I decided to start trying there was no stress, no fear, and no worries. I was going to save bucks since I did not have to buy birth control any more. Frenchie was going to get more sex than he could have wished for. It was good times. There was excitement in the air. After the first few months went by we really were not concerned. A few months after that I started to feel the stress. It was a roller coaster of emotion. Let me explain. Just after my period was the best place for me. I knew that there was nothing that I could do. It wasn't a time when it was possible to get pregnant so I was able to relax or at least feel numb. After that was mucus and then ovulation. I can't put into words the stress involved. Sex became a job that had to be done in a certain way. There was no enjoyment on my end. Every time I knew what was at stake. If Frenchie and I were apart for what ever reason it was like I was missing my chance. Anyway after ovulation is the wait. That's the worst part. I was half hopeful and half panicked. At the first hint of cramps I'd pretend that they didn't exist. I'd lie to myself. I'd take a pregnancy test every day in secret. They all came out negative but I'd tell myself that it would be different the next day, but they never were. And as always I'd start my period. This is where I'd breakdown. That first day was like someone had ripped out my soul. There was nothing that could make it better on day one. Day two I would try, but my heart would be so sore from the pain of the day before. Day three was my bitterness day. This is where I get to be angry at myself, Frenchie, God, and pregnant girls. The next few days was when I worked to pull myself together just to start it all over again.
Finding out that we could not have children was like every nightmare coming true. I don't want to discount that news. On the up side there was no need to go through my monthly roller coaster any more. There would be none of it right? We were going to pursue adoption and that was going to be so much easier on my little broken heart. At least it started that way.
Referrals come out once a month these days. The number of LID days that are sent is the big thing. When we first started this journey CCAA was doing a months worth of LID's every month. Then the slowdown came. I'm not going to go on about why the slowdown again, seriously not today. But the point is that this is where I feel like we are trying to conceive again. After referrals you are just waiting. There is nothing that you can do. There is not going to be anything coming out. It's a numb time. Next comes the "projection" phase. This is where the world is a buzz about how many LID days are going to be in the next bunch. It's always going to be the month that is going to speed up. The Rumor queen site is throwing out numbers and people are all excited. Then comes the leaks. Agencies start to tell their clients what LID dates to expect. There is always a good number and a bad number that gets out there. I get half hopeful and half panicked. Then that day comes where the official LID days are out and some people get their referrals and some don't. First I take note of how many days were done and shake my head. This month was no better than last. I know that this news only tells me that my wait is longer than it was the day before. I go and see all the pictures of the newly referred babies out there. They are so beautiful and my heart hurts. I think of those families that missed this month's cut off by a day or two and are now forced to wait yet another month. I breakdown. I can't feel this adoption treadmill slowing down for me at all. It takes days to pull myself together only to start it all over again.
So the last thirty-four months I have lived one at a time.

Referrals will be out soon. Very soon in fact. My whole hearted congrats to those that will receive theirs. My hearts breaks for those that were so close, but did not make the cut off. And to myself, I just need to remember that the world could change in a month.

100 Things about me. Part 3

51. I get very jealous when it comes to me friends, but I'd never tell them that.
52. I love to stick out my tongue in pictures.
53. I think that my voice sounds too "airy" when I hear it on a machine.
54. I need a minimum of three pillows to go to sleep.
55. My favorite ice cream is fish food.
56. I call my husband Big Boy.
57. I would be in heaven if I could wear flip-flops all year long.
58. If I could travel any where in the world (besides China) it would be to Italy.
59. The only jewelry I usually wear is my engagement ring and wedding band.
60. I wish that I spoke French.
61. I have never broken a bone. And yes, we are all amazed.
62. My friends in high school called me Ralph.
63. I worked at KFC for five years. Yikes!
64. I'm convinced that my mom was far more mature at my age than I am.
65. I never have cash.
66. I have two tattoos and wish that I had not gotten either of them.
67. I moved out of my parents house when I was a senior in high school.
68. I wanted to give my mom a kidney, but she decided not to take it.
69. I can't do the Spock hand thing.
70. I was wanted for arrest in California back in the day.
71. I swear way too much.
72. I have to keep my finger and toe nails short or I freak out.
73. I have never been in a physical fight.
74. I can't pee in nature.
75. I know that it's creepy and wrong, but I love hotdogs.

Quick update....

Just so that you know, I am looking for another job. I know that you are sick of me complaining and so am I. I'm not sure what I want to do yet. I'm really keeping my eyes out on everything.

It was an interesting weekend. I played a part in "repossessing" are car in a divorce. That was fun. That car was sold later that day for $1.00. That really was very funny.

Frenchie has a second interview with Google. This is so exciting for him. It really is his dream job. Please keep your fingers crossed!

Up in Smoke-

I would like to take a moment of silence for my hair dryer that passed away today. It literally caught on fire this morning. I'm talking some pretty damn BIG flames. My entire house has the lovely odor of burned hair. I think that I just killed my last one just a couple of months ago. Other than the fact the I was a fire hazard this morning I thought that it was pretty funny.

To continue my trend today. The sole on one of my shoes tore on my way into the office (with wet hair). So the best part is that when I step that one shoe makes a farting noise. That one is really funny.

I guess that I'll be shopping before heading home today. And don't worry if I break anything else today I'll keep you posted.

100 things about me. Part 2

25. A good commercial can make me cry.
26. I prefer to wear slacks over jeans.
27. I wish that I could have darker hair without looking goth.
28. I have a girl crush on Kate Winslet.
29. I have a great relationship with my mom.
30. I have rolled a car that was not mine.
31. I never learned to parallel park.
32. I have owned eight cars.
33. I truly believe that I need therapy and lots of it.
34. I was never in-love until I met Frenchie.
35. There was a time that I LOVED my job.
36. I'm allergic to cats and dogs.
37. I once lost 70 lbs, but I've gained 30 of it back.
38. I sleep walk, have night terrors, and talk in my sleep.
39. It makes me crazy when the toilet paper goes under rather than over.
40. I can't fold a fitted sheet to save my life.
41. I don't ever get road rage.
42. I hate confrontation.
43. I have had seven roommates total, but a couple of them multiple times.
44. I think that I'm at a good height. Not too short and not too tall.
45. I taught myself to not speak with an accent when we moved from Texas at the age of ten.
46. I actually like to paint.
47. I never carry cash.
48. I have glasses, but NEVER wear them.
49. I love going to Las Vegas, but I don't like to gamble.
50. I love to sing in the car and I don't really cares who sees.

Weekend Update

So the weekend did not start off too swell. I had a big melt down Friday night. I'm not okay. I'm a very angry and hurt girl. Not that I really want to talk about it. In fact, I think that I'm going to no longer discuss the adoption at all with people. I just can't do it any more.

Saturday morning a mean old lady snapped at me at Weight Watchers. She works there and made me feel as bad about myself as I could have felt. Really, I was crying by the time I walked out the door. It was just a really bad morning. I wish there was a word to explain what it is to feel like a fat, friendless, bitch that can't have and will never have kids. Anyway, we left for our trip. The B&B in Colorado Springs was really beautiful. We were in the master bedroom of the original house built in 1870-ish. We forgot to get any pictures of it so you'll have to take my word that it was really beautiful. We spent a lot of time just driving around finding fun stuff to do. Dinner was very nice. We found a cute little Italian restaurant. After dinner we enjoyed the GIANT soaking tub before going to bed.

Sunday morning we went down for breakfast. They served this egg and ham gross stuff. I ate as much as I could to be polite. It was a very comfortable setting and we enjoyed it very much. After checking out the city's giant historical homes we decided to head up the road to catch our train. It was a nice leisurely drive. Once on the train we picked our seats and got too comfortable. Frenchie got snapped at by a train person for having his feet on the seat facing him. We lucked out in the seats that we picked. They were on the best side of the train. They were also between the dining cart and the bathrooms. We spent some time on the open air car. It was perfect. The weather was sunny and warm. We really did luck out all the way around. We have decided to come back and do it again. After the train ride was over we headed back home. I got a call from Little Miss Russia. She's so funny. She was excited and trying to be coy, so it wasn't easy to understand. She said that she had news for me and I had three guesses as to what it might be. Well it doesn't matter how many I missed what does matter is her news. She is going to have a baby!! I love her, there is no doubt about that. She and I had discussed kids before. The thing is that I have known Timothy for years. Since the day that I met him I knew how badly he wanted to have that family. It truly did touch my heart that he is going to have one. It's silly. I was ecstatically happy for her, but I was happy in my soul for him.

100 things about me - part 1

1. I swear that they hair on my legs grows faster than the hair on my head.
2. I HATE bacon.
3. When I was a little girl I thought that my uncle Rusty was the bast looking man in the world. That might have been because he told me that he was.
4. I'm very organized at work, but not so much at home.
5. I LOVE tweener movies.
6. I'm pretty sure that I have been to more gay clubs than straight ones.
7. I drink more water a day than most people do in a week.
8. I have a collection of Homies.
9. My middle name is Renee.
10. My favorite store is Pottery Barn Kids.
11. I'm emtionally retarded.
12. I think my feet and especially my toes are really cute.
13. My first real concert was Barry Manelo. I was eight.
14. I don't have a favorite color.
15. My favorite game is Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon (still).
16. It's important to me that my sisters "look up" to me.
17. I want to move to a place that is warm year round.
18. I have an "inny" belly button.
19. I have a half brother that I have never met.
20. I was the president of the FHA when I was a junior in high school.
21. I day dream every chance I get.
22. I'm a natural blonde.
23. My shoe size is an 8 1/2.
24. My favorite holiday is Halloween.
25. I pick favorites, but lie and tell people that I don't.

Three Years.....

It's Frenchie and my 3rd anniversary today. It feels like it's been so much longer than that with everything that we have gone through. We are still happy and in-love. I knew as soon as I met him that I could marry him. In fact I remember calling Buff as soon as I got home and told her that very thing. I may not have understood what he was saying for the most part, but that didn't hinder the fact that I knew he was very kind. He was very sweet from day one. Sure there was that whole little break-up thing, but looking back on it now I see that it needed to happen for us to be together now. Our wedding was so beautiful. I can some times go back to that day and feel the excitement that I felt. I got the greatest guy to marry. He loves me like I always dreamed that someone could. He supports me no matter what. He's always willing to give me space if I need. I'm usually the most proud of myself once he has told me that he is proud. He loves my family and friends just as much as I do. He never minds giving me a back or foot rub when ever I need (or just want). He's a great cook. He's always gentle when I need to be and rough when I need him to be. He's honest. He loves kids and will make a great dad. He's extremely smart. He's not a big sports fan (always a plus in my book). He's not jealous when I play with other boys or crush on a movie star. He accepts my faults and appreciates my strengths. We go to sleep at different times, but he tucks me in every night so that I can go to sleep. Yep, I got a good man (as Salt-N-Peppa plays in my head). We are going to celebrate by taking a weekend trip to a B&B this weekend.

Last night Lost was on. I just wanted to take a moment and say that if I wasn't married to Frenchie my next pick would be Sayid. No, not Naveen Andrews because he's way into older women. I want the character Sayid. The dirty dirty things that I would do to that man. Yummmm.

Also, here is an update on the adoption wait. The Rumor Queen posted today that an agency sent a message to CCAA in China about the wait possibly going up to two years. Here was CCAA's response:
"The waiting time relies on the number of children available for adoption, so itÂ’s difficult to predict the waiting time of 2007. I can only say that 24 months is possible but there is no confirmed information about this. If so, it will increase gradually. So far, we donÂ’t have new policies about this."
It doesn't exactly make me feel all warm and fuzzy to hear this. When we started the process it was a six month wait from LID to referral. During the paper chase it went up to eight and then ten. At the time we were LID it was twelve possibly going to fourteen. It really hit hard to hear eighteen months. I can't even begin to wrap my head around two years. It feels like I'm being violated and punished all at the same time. My heart hurts. And once again, anyone that tells me to be patient can really just go to hell. I don't want to hear it. I try to hold myself together every day. This is not an easy task. I don't mind people asking me about an update, but I have nothing to tell. I would prefer that the questions were not there because it hurts my heart to tell you. I understand that come from a good place and I will never have beef with that. I just can't take the "others".

On the subject of adoption, but norelateded to me in any way. I was listening to the radio the other morning while they were talking about Madonna. Now, I haven't been a fan in years. You know, since she started talking with a British accent. Really, what is that? Anyway they were talking about her adoption an African boy. The boy's birth father had made some statement to the press that he was so happy that his son would grow up to be loved and have the very best that life has to offer. The birth father gave the boy up after his mother had died shortly after the boy was born. He could not take care of his son. The boy has been in an orphanage since. The "radio personalities" were saying that instead of adopting this boy that Madonna should just give the birth father a bunch of money so that he could care for the boy himself. This really pissed me off. I don't think that these peoplfathomom what they are talking about. Adoption is NOT something that you do because you want to be a good person. The adoptee is NOT a charity case. Adoption is about building or adding to a FAMILY. It's NOT about money and it's NOT about doing something good. If that is why someone wants to adopt the I would highl recommend just sending a check instead of bringing a child into your home. I'm far more sensitive to this matter and I understand that. I just see something day in and day out in the press that reflects adoption in a negative way. It really starts to wear you down after a while.

PS - Still HATE my job.

Bitch fest

Yep, still hate my job. The good news is that I spoke with my boss about my feelings. He was very sweet and understanding about it all. He took some blame that I don't feel that he should. Well, at least it won't come as a surprise to him when I totally snap. Oh, I made an ass of myself in front of the new girl just a few short hours after her being here. I think that it might have been the screaming to myself or the slamming of the phone that did it.

In other much better news I'm happy to say that I'm going to at least one niece!! My sister A is having a little girl! We won't know about N for a while. It's still cool to be able to prepare for a little girl. A never wanted to do a neutral room. She wanted to go very girlie or boyish. So now she can start shopping and preparing the nursery. All very fun stuff.

I'm done!

Okay so I have to blog before I explode. I really can't handle this place! I hate it when I get so upset that I'm about to cry. I'm a freak'n adult and I'm about to cry at work. What the hell is that? I'm just so tired. There is only one of me and I don't always feel like I get the back up and support that I need when people come at me. It's not like I get a lot or any training. It's my job to find it and figure it out myself. Okay so now I'm crying. I am a good and hard working person. I may hate it, but I give this place all I've got. Seriously, I'm researching way to educate my customers to protect them against the evils of the world when my phone rings. I got my ass handed to me for not doing enough to help my customers. I have always been honest, forthright, and willing to do what ever it took to make these fucking people happy. It's never enough. I'd really like to see anyone else in this company push out the amount of work, develop new products, and maintain customer support all by themselves.

They don't call it a job for nothing.....

Repeat after me. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. - Nope that didn't work. I dream of just getting up from my desk, grabbing my things, and walking out the door. I really do. I would never look back. Some days I wonder how much rage I have stored up from this place. I worry about what will happen when I can no longer store it. It's not like my boss is a jerk or anything like that. It's not that I work with people that I don't like. The problem is that after eight years I'm just tapped out. I want to cry at the though of walking through the door in the mornings. If I do go out to lunch, it takes everything that I've got to come back in. It just feels awful to know that I have to be here forty hours a week. Fourth hours per week of being this unhappy. The thing is that it's my prison. I won't go anywhere else and make the same money. Contrary to popular belief we need my pay check. We live payday to payday just like everyone else. What do you do? Do you pick leaving this place and not be able to make it? Do you stay and just let it kill you? I'd love to hear some bright ideas. Frenchie is uber supportive. He's always encouraging me to do something that I want to do and start my own business. I really appreciate that, but how would we live? I know nothing about running a business and especially nothing about what I love to do. My pretty job is a dream. Being where we are financially is real life. I struggle with responsibility and doing what will make you happy. I'm always telling people that life is too short to be doing something that you hate. On the other hand I'm always telling people that they need to take responsibility. The two just don't work together in my world. Maybe it was the way I was raised or the way that I see the world. I don't know for sure. What I do know is that I just continue to deal with this battle in my head. It makes for a big headache.

So Much to Say.... Not Really

The good news is that I've been a much happier camper this week. My cranky pants must be at the cleaners. The bad news is that I don't have too much to talk about. CCAA is out on vacation this week for a holiday. I don't know when there will be any news on that front. We'll have a girl transferring her job over here like I did. My hope is that I can make it a much more comfortable transition than I had. It's important to me that she feel welcome and have a friend in the new digs. We have an awful hole of an office. It's depressing and not a place anyone looks forward to coming to. It was a huge adjustment for me. It was hard and it took so long to feel okay about being here. I don't want her to go through the same. Pictures of my sister N are way too much. She's only 14 weeks at this point and looks like she's at least a large 20 weeks. It's just crazy. There are plenty of theories about how big she is. Most of them include the word twins. I'm not so much thinking the same, but I'm not ruling it out. N is tall, slender, and homegirl has NO curves. There are no hips to be found. I just think that there is no where for the baby to go but out on her. While A is built more like me, with the exception of she's not a big fat fatty pants. She is slender, but she's got really great curves. She's got "birthing hips". I know that sounds bad, but it's not meant that way at all. I've always been jealous of her figure. It's exactly what my dream body is. I like to tell people that my mom liked me more and gave me all my sister's food. It works for me I guess. CC and I went to see Last Kiss. Not a feel good movie, but it was really good.

PS - Miss Ang, I talked to CC and it looks like she feels the same about you (a little jealous). She would totally dig a movie or something. She says that she did meet you at my wedding and thought that you were great. I believe her words were "Someone that I would pick to be friends with". I could have emailed you, but I know that you read my blog and it was easy this way.