Perspective -

I weighed myself before getting in the shower this morning. The exact weight made me laugh. This particular number that I will not share broke my heart when I reached it three and a half years ago. I was devastated to come back from my honeymoon and see THAT number on the scale. I never forgot it. I never forgave myself for it. Naturally, I surpassed that number long ago. This morning as I saw that old familiar number but it was a completely different reaction from the last time that I had seen it. I was thrilled to see it again. Truthfully it was like visiting with an old friend. At my largest I was LARGE. Then I transformed my mind and body into a dieting machine. I have no idea how I did it or how to get that back. I got down to a normal person weight and felt so great about myself. I vowed to never see my weight go up again. HA Ha! The weight came on slow at first, but over time I could pack it on in no time. In the five years that I have moved to Denver I had gained back like forty pounds of the seventy I had originally lost. I see my new dieting struggles in a different light than I did before. I know now that I am not always going to have the same steam and that it is easy to slip back into bad habits. If I should gain back everything I have worked so hard to lose than I need to just learn from it. There is no reason to blame or make excuses. I'm in a much better mind set than I may have ever been in my life. I'm proud of that right now.

Dirty and Orange -

During my big meeting Friday morning I noticed a spot on my leg. It looked kinda like dirt so I did the lick the thumb and rub it off (like moms do). It didn't come off. I tried again. Nothing. One more time for good measure. Still nothing. I figured that it was just a freaky bruise that I got. I get bruises all of the time and have no idea where they came from. So I really didn't give it much more though than that. Friday night as Frenchie, Tim, and I were headed out for drinks I noticed that the palms of my hands where orange. WTF? I racked my brain trying to think of what I could have gotten into. Not a damn thing came to mind. Saturday when I remembered to check they were even oranger. WTF? Fast forward to Sunday. There is a commercial on TV for this Aveeno lotion that self tans. My first thought is that Aveeno is my favorite lotion and I'm a total mayonnaise white girl, I should totally buy some. DING! DING! DING! I run over to my new bottle of Aveeno lotion and pick it up. Yup! I bought the self tanning stuff without even realizing it. The good news is that it does work. The bad news is that I look dirty and orange. I actually think that it's funny as all get out. I am such a dork.

Bee Our Guest......

Well Ang and I have finally come up with a name for our invitation business. I feel relieved that we can actually start getting everything started now. We may be moving forward in slow motion, but it's moving. In case you didn't catch it, our name is Bee Our Guest Designs. It was actually kind of silly that we came up with it. We had a bbq Sunday night for Ang's birthday. At the end of the night we were "brain storming" ideas. Basically that consisted of laughing at each others ideas. I have no idea where it came from (she smokes crack) but Ang yells out "Lumier" (sp?), you know the candle stick guy from Beauty and the Beast. We laughed at her, but then I had to sing the Lumier song....Be Our Guest. Then we thought by using Bee that we could make our logo a bee and that it could be our "theme" on our website. It's so damn cute. I had an idea last night to create some lady bug baby shower invitations. Lady bugs are a thing with us China adopters. So I could totally "advertise" them on the China boards. The only thing is that I never actually participate on the boards. I'm all over them every day, but I'm more of a lurker than anything. Still, I think that it could work out well. I'm very excited about all of this. Ang and I really do work well. It's not actually like work really. It's more like hanging out with my dearest friend while we make pretty things. Frenchie may have to buy us a bigger house so that we can have own work room. Okay, probably not going to happen but a girl can dream.

It's my birthday!!

What a BEAUTIFUL day in downtown Denver. The weather is a lovely 70 degrees. The sun is shinning. The 16th Street Mall is full of every type of person that you could imagine. On every block there is a street musician to serenade you. Still, it's not warm enough to smell the foul and not so mysterious odors to waft from the alley ways. Truly a great day for a birthday. I'm always amazed to hear from so many people with birthday wishes for me. I was out of the office all morning to visit with another company. When I returned this afternoon there were 17 e-cards, 21 personal e-mails, and 12 voice mails all to make me feel special today. It worked. Frenchie gave me a hot pink engraved ipod. Tosh sent me a framed picture of my boyfriend, Ayden. I have received lots of cards. Mom and Dad gave me green (always a good thing). I got an unexpected e-mail from Buff. I feel so wonderful that she remembered me.

My SIL, Isabelle, gave birth on Wednesday to her second son. He looks like a little cutie! So I now have two nieces and two nephews. I think that pretty damn cool.

My entire department and their spouses are coming over this weekend from the Western Slope. Miss Russia and I are sure to fight the entire time. Tim wants to bet with me to see how many times she'll beg me to move to Grand Junction. I say five. He says ten. The best part is that Fartman will NOT be joining us. That in itself is reason to celebrate. I fully expect to have a great weekend. Plus it's Ang's birthday on Sunday so we'll have a bbq for her.

Misc ramblings -

I read a quote on the RQ today that made me laugh. "The longer you wait, the longer the wait becomes." It just rang so damn true. I turn 31 tomorrow. My big plan was to have a baby by the time I was 30. That never happened so I pushed it back to 31. I've decided not to think about that any more. As our wait continues to grow every day I doubt that I will ever be a mom.

I've been keeping an eye on the boards about India. I guess they are about to open up their international adoption in a big way. Not that this really has anything to do with adoption, but I have always dreamt of India. I would love to be able to go some day. I have these big romantic images of India.

I crashed my hard drive at work this week. Everyone keeps asking me how I did it. We'll I don't so much have an answer. I'll admit that the first day was kinda nice. I got to just hang out at work and play for the day while getting paid. Day two sucked ass! I was so damn whiny about it. You know that when you are annoyed by yourself you have crossed a whining line. I'm almost fully running today. It's been nice. My entire adult life has been filled with computers. Being without one left me crippled. I use my computer to work, spell, calculate, communicate, research, and play. It's really crazy how dependant I have become on it.

Very Very Bad -

Friday:

I'm an ass - Yes folks I made my Mom cry. Do you ever think that you are being cute or funny only to find out that you are a total ass? If so, you know how stupid I feel.

The cake - I honestly don't think that I had made a cake in at least a year. Still, I was sure of my "talent" and didn't feel the need to practice. That should really be a clue that things are about to go very wrong. My bright idea to bake a fudge filled cake was not so pretty to begin with. Add in that I over estimated my skill. It was bad!! Amy and I laughed at my demon duck cake mostly because there wasn't much else for us to do. There was a time that I would have rocked that cake. I guess that my ego was still living in that time. I'm okay with it really. I figure that I'm not going to turn pro any time soon, but Sophie will still have better birthday cakes than all her friends.

Saturday:

The shower - I'm really not proud of this either. It was my first baby shower since all of the infertility and adoption stuff happened. I still was so not ready. I turned off completely. If there were people that I did not want to acknowledge then I just didn't. I faked my "ooohing and awwing". I was like a robot. I'm really ashamed of myself yet again. I tried to disconnect from my own jealousy, but instead disconnected from everything. My body was there, but my soul wasn't. I have no idea how other people handle it all so gracefully.
We had loaded my car with the gifts and I took them back to her house. There were two other Russian chicks there (love them) that were going to hang out with Miss Russia for the afternoon. They had asked me to stay, but instead of politely turning them down I started to cry uncontrollably. I just needed to bolt and melt away from the afternoon, but they were trying to get me to stay. My only saving grace is that I'm a fast thinker and good liar. I told them that I was so excited to see Ayden and that I missed him so much. Where it was true in part, most of it was really because I couldn't deal any more. It was yet another self pity sob session. As I drove away I picked up the phone so that Ang could listen to me cry and feel sorry for myself. This was bad, very very bad. You see, Ang had spent the day with Puff's rugby team. Needless to say she was very drunk. So when I started to sob it made Ang sob. It was ridiculous, really it was. I made her sad and that made me sadder.

Ayden - My eyes, lips, and nose were swollen and red from all the crying when I went to pick up my BFF. I rounded the corner to see that little man who is quickly becoming a big boy. He has teeth and hair! The hair part impresses me the most since the last time I saw him he was suffering from male pattern baldness. No, he did not remember me at first. I had expected it, but it still hurt my feelings. I took him back to Amy's with me. We waled through the door and greeted Amy holding baby Ava. I did know what Ayden's reaction would be, but I was thrilled when he reached up and stroked her tiny shoulder. He's eight months and she's two months so it was so damn cute. They are going to get married and have babies of their own. I'm sure of it. She totally captured his attention. The best part of the night for me was when I fed him. It was the first time that I felt that special connection between us. We locked eye contact for what felt like forever. It was just the same as it used to be. It was just like no time had passed and we were speaking our secret language. It made me feel special again. He knows that I love him and I know that he loves me.

Ava - After I took Ayden back to his mom I was a tired girl. I had already told Amy and Steve that I would take Ava for the night again. I had done it on my last visit too. That first time they seemed kinda nervous about it. This time they were handing her off without a second thought. I know that they appreciate a good night sleep and not having to worry about their baby. I dig the fact that they trust me so much with Ava. Okay, it may not be such a big deal since they are in the next room, but it's still nice. Ava is too young to figure out that she's being passed off and doesn't seem to mind. It took me a while to her her down, but I was fortunate enough that when it happened she was out for the night. I love having a baby sleeping in the room with me. It's not a restful night even when she's out. You have to be aware that she is there. I guess that I just love that feeling of "playing mom". Sometimes it's just something that I need.

Accentuate the positive -

As you may have guessed, my husband aka Frenchie, speaks with a very thick accent. We have been together for five years and I still struggle from time to time to understand what the hell he is trying to say to me. Miss Russia has a very thick accent as well. She also giggles between every word, so it's an added bonus. Try as I might I can't mimic Frenchie's accent, but I don't have the same issue with that Russian chick. I can't even help it, I have to "do her" while even talking to her not to mention about her. The best part is that she NEVER seems to get that I'm doing it. Then of course that makes me giggle. Between the two of us you would think that we are twelve year old girls at a slumber party with the exception of the name calling and dirty talk. To get to the point, last night Frenchie decided to join in on my fun and "do her" too. I have never heard anything so butchered in all my life. His Miss Russia impersonation was a cross between his own French accent with a Spanish and German twist. I about died. It's like the Govenator meets Antonio Bandaris (as Puss in Boots) meets Michel (from Gilmore Girls). My personal favorite is when he "does" my mom. It's not just the horrifically BAD southern accent that he thinks is so dead on, but his voice goes to the high pitched squeal. I love it that he gets so proud that he has just "nailed" her. He puffs up like a peacock in sheer indulgence of his mimicking genius. God I love that man!

Diet Update -

I did in fact lose the 4 pounds that I posted about last time. I went in yesterday and gained another pound! I really am doing the best I can. Really and truly I'm being such a good girl. My dream of late is to spend a day eating nothing but cookies, brownies, muffins, and all the other crap that I should not be thinking of. My sexual fantasies have been replaced with food fantasies. Who needs to think about Ryan Reynold's lickable stomach when I can think about licking an ice cream cone? New idea, licking ice cream off of Ryan Reynolds. Genius!!

Hometown Racism

Ang just sent me a link to an article about my hometown and the racial issues there. Thanks for that hun! So now it's on my mind and I just need to vent. I am ashamed to be frank. Growing up in our small town there was no diversity to speak of. I honestly know of no Jewish families or even non-Christian families. There were like three black families and two Asian families, but that's with a big stretch of the imagination. There was always a growing number of Hispanics moving into the area. The people in town were never shy about their racial feelings of the Hispanic community. I never had those same feelings, but never gave it much thought. It was always understood that we were a redneck town and it had to be expected. Now as an adult I'm sickened by not only the expectation of it, but the acceptance of it. I'm very sad that my hometown is in the news for the racism rising everyday. I don't want to play it off like this is a bad place full of bad people. It was a great place to grow up. You knew everyone in your school and really everyone in town. It's a safe place. It's filled with so many great people, including my parents. I unfortunately know that this stuff happens every where. Racism is not limited to small towns. I'm just really sad that the only thing coming out of the news from my hometown is hate.

Frenchie's new job -

So I have kept something secret for a little bit that I can finally share. The company that Frenchie worked for when I met him and just left a little over a year ago wants him back. This has been such a hard call for Frenchie. He LOVES the people at his current company. They have been so great and welcoming to him. Frenchie is one of those people that needs to be working with new newest and coolest stuff out there. That's the one thing that he didn't love about the current company. They are content with the technology that they use, but Frenchie doesn't thrive off being content with what is. He thrives on making the new stuff work. The old company has offered him has offered him a position where he will thrive. Plus, the money is not anything that could possibly be turned down. I don't want to sound like a money whore, but who couldn't make that a huge factor. Especially when the new salary is nothing that we could ever pass up. He has accepted the new position and just gave his notice today.

I'm not a perfect wife by any stretch of the imagination. Still, I think that being supportive of my husband is really one of my strong points. It's so important for Frenchie to know that I believe in him. I married this crazy smart man. He really does deserve my admiration. I know that if this new job is something that he feels strongly about that I need to support him. I'm not shy about my opinions and in my own marriage we are a true partnership. I appreciate that without my support that Frenchie would not be so gung ho about making this change. He has always respected my apprehensiveness in the past about other options. So I have to give him a giant thumbs up when it comes to his half of our partnership. I may not be able to contribute financially as an equal partner, but he has never let that diminish my role.

Rug burn -

Well the two day referral batch is still a rumor at this point. Still, it's not looking good. I'm trying hard not to get upset about it. Tears well up in my eyes every time that I think about it. My eyes sting as I try to fight it back.

My stitches came out just fine. It was like freedom to have them removed.

I'm really working on keeping my strength for Miss Russia's baby shower. I just have this fear that someone will ask me about the wait for our adoption. I realize that the day is not about me, but it's a shower and there will be baby talk all around. Z is very sweet to deal with my stress about it. Even Miss Russia is being super supportive of my freakishness. My sister A will be there to deflect for me too. God love her for that. It will be my first baby shower in four years. I'm hoping that with such great friends there that it will give me the courage to go to more in the future. I really don't enjoy my freak outs and avoiding these types of events.

So I have to laugh at myself. I am extremely clumsy. I was doing some ironing this weekend. I'm not really sure how it happened, but I got super carried away and my iron went flying. It finally hit floor in the hallway. I went and picked it up as soon as it landed, but it was too late. I burned my carpeting. I didn't even know that was possible, but I did it just the same. We have tan berber carpeting, so the burn showed up really badly. It's important to me that my house looks. I'm not like obsessed, but it is a big deal. The burned carpeting was killing me. So my fix was to trim the carpet. Ever try to give a "hair cut" to berber? In case you were wondering it's not so easy. I do have to say that it didn't turn out so bad. You can still see that there is a spot and the texture of the carpet there is like the scratchy side of velcro. So I guess this teaches me to iron in the kitchen for carpet safety sake.

Good Friday -

Today is a very happy day for me. I get my stitches out! I know it's not normally such an exciting thing, but I'm ready to not feel like Frankenstein. Also, the band aids are killing my skin. My shoulder area looks like I'm a burn victim. I'll be so happy to have all of it done. The tests came back on the samples of what ever they sent in and they were fine. Good news that I don't mind hearing.

I think I'm going to wait till we know for sure before I freak out, but things are not looking good for the next batch of referrals. If the rumors are true and CCAA has only referred two days it will be devastating. Not just for me but for all the people that are waiting right now. Really this is some serious stuff. It's just been a few weeks since my last break down. If they really only matched two days I don't know that I'll be able to pull myself up from that. The wait has had an obvious emotional toll. It's far worse than I imagined it could be. I'm still feeling strong for today, but it's just rumors right now. I'm not trying to set my self up to fall apart like you may think. I just happen to know myself all too well.

Looking for Answers -

I'm having one of those days where I need to feed on information. Perhaps it's because referrals will be coming out soon. I know that there are no answers for me out there, but I still scouer the Internet looking for them. Needless to say I get very frustrated when I can't find what I'm looking for. I have to know the month and year that I'll get my daughter. I'm so mad that I don't know and that there isn't anyone out there that does know. It makes me a crazy person.

Oh, I'm really confused and upset since I'm not sure how it happened, but I GAINED FOUR POUNDS SINCE SATURDAY!!! What the hell? It would be one thing if I had been knowingly bad, but really nothing that would indicate a FOUR pound gain. I really don't know how or why it happened.

Saturday -

I went to weigh in and found out that I'm officially down 12 pounds. Nothing to brag about yet but I'm very pleased.

After that I went to CC's house to help her paint. CC has a 1918 bungalow. All the details in the house is just crazy to me. I love the old door nobs, moldings, and character of her house. They just spent so much time into making each home special and beautiful back then. It's really something to appreciate.

CC and I had a good time painting and chatting. We took lots of breaks and enjoyed ourselves. It was really a nice day.

Friday -

Did you know that your nipple "skin" is thicker than your normal skin? I guess I had not put much thought into it. Anyway, in addition to the nipple mole I also had one removed from my shoulder. She did that one first. There were three pokes with the needle to numb the area. No big deal at all. When it came time to numb the nipple it wasn't so swell. She could not get through the skin so easily. That ended up being SIX SHARP JABS to my precious nipple. I have convinced myself that with my stitches that I have Frankenstein boob, but it's not that bad. My nipple is going to be a little misshapened, but nothing too tragic. I'll go this Friday to get my stitches out.