Very Very Bad -

Friday:

I'm an ass - Yes folks I made my Mom cry. Do you ever think that you are being cute or funny only to find out that you are a total ass? If so, you know how stupid I feel.

The cake - I honestly don't think that I had made a cake in at least a year. Still, I was sure of my "talent" and didn't feel the need to practice. That should really be a clue that things are about to go very wrong. My bright idea to bake a fudge filled cake was not so pretty to begin with. Add in that I over estimated my skill. It was bad!! Amy and I laughed at my demon duck cake mostly because there wasn't much else for us to do. There was a time that I would have rocked that cake. I guess that my ego was still living in that time. I'm okay with it really. I figure that I'm not going to turn pro any time soon, but Sophie will still have better birthday cakes than all her friends.

Saturday:

The shower - I'm really not proud of this either. It was my first baby shower since all of the infertility and adoption stuff happened. I still was so not ready. I turned off completely. If there were people that I did not want to acknowledge then I just didn't. I faked my "ooohing and awwing". I was like a robot. I'm really ashamed of myself yet again. I tried to disconnect from my own jealousy, but instead disconnected from everything. My body was there, but my soul wasn't. I have no idea how other people handle it all so gracefully.
We had loaded my car with the gifts and I took them back to her house. There were two other Russian chicks there (love them) that were going to hang out with Miss Russia for the afternoon. They had asked me to stay, but instead of politely turning them down I started to cry uncontrollably. I just needed to bolt and melt away from the afternoon, but they were trying to get me to stay. My only saving grace is that I'm a fast thinker and good liar. I told them that I was so excited to see Ayden and that I missed him so much. Where it was true in part, most of it was really because I couldn't deal any more. It was yet another self pity sob session. As I drove away I picked up the phone so that Ang could listen to me cry and feel sorry for myself. This was bad, very very bad. You see, Ang had spent the day with Puff's rugby team. Needless to say she was very drunk. So when I started to sob it made Ang sob. It was ridiculous, really it was. I made her sad and that made me sadder.

Ayden - My eyes, lips, and nose were swollen and red from all the crying when I went to pick up my BFF. I rounded the corner to see that little man who is quickly becoming a big boy. He has teeth and hair! The hair part impresses me the most since the last time I saw him he was suffering from male pattern baldness. No, he did not remember me at first. I had expected it, but it still hurt my feelings. I took him back to Amy's with me. We waled through the door and greeted Amy holding baby Ava. I did know what Ayden's reaction would be, but I was thrilled when he reached up and stroked her tiny shoulder. He's eight months and she's two months so it was so damn cute. They are going to get married and have babies of their own. I'm sure of it. She totally captured his attention. The best part of the night for me was when I fed him. It was the first time that I felt that special connection between us. We locked eye contact for what felt like forever. It was just the same as it used to be. It was just like no time had passed and we were speaking our secret language. It made me feel special again. He knows that I love him and I know that he loves me.

Ava - After I took Ayden back to his mom I was a tired girl. I had already told Amy and Steve that I would take Ava for the night again. I had done it on my last visit too. That first time they seemed kinda nervous about it. This time they were handing her off without a second thought. I know that they appreciate a good night sleep and not having to worry about their baby. I dig the fact that they trust me so much with Ava. Okay, it may not be such a big deal since they are in the next room, but it's still nice. Ava is too young to figure out that she's being passed off and doesn't seem to mind. It took me a while to her her down, but I was fortunate enough that when it happened she was out for the night. I love having a baby sleeping in the room with me. It's not a restful night even when she's out. You have to be aware that she is there. I guess that I just love that feeling of "playing mom". Sometimes it's just something that I need.