My BFF -

I miss the way that he laughs and even cries. I miss his smell of baby lotion and freshly spit up formula. I miss that I smell like him. I miss him making that pain face when I sang to him. I miss him raging at me in the car seat. I miss him babbling to me. I miss telling him everything. I miss kissing him. I miss the weight of him in my arms. I miss the way he looks while he's sleeping. I miss our exercise program. I miss the eye connection that we could hold forever. It was this crazy secret language between us. It was a love that was so strong and powerful. I miss holding him so close that he became part of me. I had no idea how much I would fall in-love with my little man that first time that I saw him. The first time that I held him it freaked me out. I'm not even sure that I had even held a kitten that small. His skin was to big for his body. His breathing was irregular. I was terrified by him. The first night that I kept him Ang stayed with me. We really had no idea what we were doing. My maternal instinct was out of town that night. After a few days we started to feel more comfortable. Then one day I realized that this little boy was now apart of my soul. I always tried to make sure that I didn't get too attached. That so didn't work. Ayden is not my child, but I would do anything for him as a mother would. To not feel his skin on mine and feel his breath on my chest is an aching feeling. Lately it's become too much and I need to hold him. I need to kiss him. I need that feeling that he gave me. I feel like I'm a baby junkie and have not had a fix in a while. It's all I can think about. I must be going through detox and soon I'll be sweating, vomiting and shaking uncontrollably. Someone hand me a baby quick. This is just a little too much to take.

I love you BFF!