9 months

I know that it's silly to hold so strong to a date. Today we have officially been logged into China for nine months today. I have spent the day in tears. I can't get it to stop for more than a half hour. I look like hell. I have done through an entire box of tissue. I'm a total mess. I can't help but to roll my eyes at my quest to be a mom. I realize that there are women out there that have had far more struggles for many more years, but these are my feelings. I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not mad. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of being infertile. I'm tired of disappointment. I'm tired of being jealous. I'm tired of people feeling sorry for me. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of feeling unstable. I'm tired of feeling robbed of my sexuality. I'm tired of questions. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired tired tired! Nine freaken months and god only knows how many more I have to go. I'm not saying that being a mom is going to make my life magical. I'm not saying that it's going to be all that I picture. I'd just like the chance to find out. I've always dreamt of being a mom. I've maternal urges coming out my ass! Over the years all of this has made me understand people in a way that I never did before. I can relate to people's feelings like I never knew that it was possible to do so. I get why there are so many damn crazy women out there. I'm sure that if I didn't have Frenchie that I could become one of them. I have the best friends and family in the world, but they don't really know how bad it gets. Frenchie is the sole person in this world that gets to see me in border line nut job mode. Okay so this blog is my diary where I bitch and moan, but he is the person that sees me actually go through it. There is a unquantifiable amount of trust that goes into showing it in front of another human being. After reading this I'm pretty sure that he'll be afraid of what he's going to see at home. Lucky man huh?