I hate the way that I feel -

Frenchie and I were driving home yesterday and had a great talk. It's not very often that he and I are on the same page. He's the level headed one. I'm the emotional one. I started telling him how mad I was at my mom. Don't freak out. My mom did NOTHING wrong. It's not her fault that I'm a nut job. She's in Seattle right now with N and the new baby. She was so excited to tell me about the matching dresses that she bought for her new granddaughters. I tried to smile and fake my enthusiasm, but on the inside I was just boiling. I'm left out of what I want more than anything in the world. I hate hearing about my dreams in my sisters hands knowing that I don't have that and I'm not sure that I ever will. I don't normally share my evil emotions with Frenchie. Still, he was really great and understanding. He even vented to me about the things that his own family says. Just the other day he heard from his pregnant sister. As much as he loves her he faked nice. "Have you heard anything from China?" "I just don't understand why it takes so long!" We had been trying to conceive for four months when she became pregnant the first time. Next month she is due with child number two. She is a lovely person and truly means the best. That does not change the secret anger we have about those comments, especially when it comes from so fortunate. The question and statement above is the most awful thing that is said to us at least a four times a week. We really do understand that people mean well, but it doesn't change the fact that it does us damage every time. I'm not sure what I really want from people. I know that it's not fair to be so upset when people that love you just want to try. I know that it's uncomfortable for them. I wish that I hadn't ever told anyone anything. I wish that I would have never had told people that we were trying to have a baby. I wish that I would have never told people that we couldn't make a baby. I wish that I had never mentioned the adoption. That way it would have saved myself from being so angry at people that are just caring and interested. I can't go back in time. I can't change the way that all of this turned out. I just can't figure out a way to get over my anger yet. So maybe I'm just a big ole nut job and that's who I am now.

PS - Mom, if you are reading this don't be mad. Some days I'm stronger than others. You shouldn't have to not share these things to me that mean so much to you. I have been so overloaded with baby lately. I need to learn to get pass these times on my own. I promise that I'm trying really hard to be a normal person!