Support -

There was a message on my machine when I got home last night. It was from a lady that does this support group thing for waiting families at my adoption agency. She sounded super nice. She wants us to call her back and let her know how we are doing. I really don't want to call her back. I'm not sure what to tell her my feelings are. Do I talk about the months that I spent crying when the wait started to stretch out? I don't really do that any more. Do I tell her my excitement over planning our future family? I don't do that any more either. In fact, I really don't do much of anything at all. I avoid all adoption discussions like the plague. I think of Sophie's nursery as a big joke any more. I had spent all that time and money to have a room that we don't use and that we don't even like to go into any more. My day dreams have stopped, but on the up side so have my tears. So that leaves me with this very matter of fact non-emotion thing going on. I'm not really sure that this chick wants to talk about my lack of feelings. So I'm not really sure what I want to do about this call yet. There had been another one about a month ago that I just ignored. Since she's calling again I have a feeling that this could just continue on until I do talk to her. I don't want to be rude in any way to her. It really is a lovely thing that she's doing. It's just not what I need any more. I'm not angry. I'm not excited. I'm not much of anything. It's my old war wound. It about killed me at the time, but now it's numb. I know that it is there, but I just try to hide the scar the best I can and get on with life.

We're Out!

Late last night Frenchie woke me up from a deep sleep to let me know that CCAA had published that we were out of the review room. So what does this mean? Well, the review room at CCAA is where they check out your dossier. They are looking into your file and deciding to approve or decline you. If they ask you any questions that can be tough too. Even if they decide after getting your answers to let you stay then your file can be pushed back into the pile by one month or several. The fact that we are not only out of the review room, but that we made it without any questions is all very good.

Getting through the review room doesn't mean that we should expect a referral any time soon. I honestly think that we will be waiting at least another two years.

My Momma Said -

It just hit me that we passed our 13 month LID anniversary date without me even realizing it. I remember back in the day when the wait was said it was going to be 14 months. I was so upset by that. It literally hurt me. Then it was going to be 18 months and I cried for days and days. Now I'm thinking that we'll pass way over 2 and more like 3. It kinda makes me laugh in a strange way. This reminds me of when I was a little girl. If I was going on crying about something (that was probably over dramatic) my Mom would say "If you don't quit I'll give you something to cry about!". So I feel like China is my Mom giving me something to cry about. Don't worry no tears or anything like that. Just noticed the date is all.

I have to go out of town for some business for the rest of the week. Next month I'm heading to Chicago for work. I'm going with people! I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but I haven't gone with people in some time. I'm happy that of the group (I'm the youngest) that I'm really the one that is the most educated about the subject matter. I love looking smart and showing what I can do in front of my peers that would have no idea that I'm actually really good. I have only met 1 of the 3 ladies that I'm going with, but everyone seems cool. I'm honestly looking forward to it.

Pretty in pink?

Mom wasn't happy about the way I changed my blog. Let's see if she likes the pink any better.

Evolutionary Dead End -

I love mean wit. I don't even mind if it's directed at me as long as it's funny. Hell, I'll probably laugh harder than anyone. So Frenchie this weekend told me that it was probably a good thing that I was an "evolutionary dead end". I laughed so hard that it hurt a little. I was so proud of him. He's not a guy that comes up with too many clever digs so it's important that I praise him for his meanness. Besides, what good is infertility if you can't have fun with it?


I love you sweetie! Keep up the good work!

Inquiring Minds -

So last night I had a follow up appointment with my new dentist. I had been in last week and the guy was nice enough, but when I went in last night you would have thought I was famous. The doctor jumped me walking in to door with "You didn't tell me that you were Frenchie's wife!". Funny thing is that it's not the first time that it has happened. We used to go to the same salon, but at different times. While just chatting the stylist she exclaimed that I was married to Frenchie. She felt that he was the sweetest man and that I was a lucky girl. She went on to tell me that Frenchie always talked about me. I can't help but to want to be a fly on the wall when he is talking about me. I mean it's not like I expect him to go around saying things like "Well she gets on my last nerve, but she's a wildcat in the sack.", that's really not his style. I just want to know exactly what he is saying. Does he tell them that I'm the best person he knows, a vision of loveliness, and his soul mate or does he tell the truth? Does he tell the stylist that if he walks out of there with stupid hair that I'll make fun of him for weeks? Does he tell the dentist that he could never inflict the remotely the pain that he goes through everyday with me? I just want to know!!!

I'm very excited today. We are having our new windows installed for the main floor of our house. It's so expensive but so needed. Our house is about 30 years old and I really don't think that the windows had ever been replaced until we started last year. They were in some really bad shape. The thing that I hate the most was that they ALWAYS looked dirty. I like to keep a clean house, so that's a big deal for me. Now my new clean windows will actually show that they are clean.

Shane and I hung out on Wednesday. You know that we had to go and see Fifi and his giant shark schlong again. We were seated in a new area for us. My favorite in that section of the aquarium is a HUGE puffer fish that I have named Talula. Oh, and there is a little orange fish that is missing an eye. Shane named him One Eye Willie. It's always fun to go. Good food, good atmosphere, and great company. It's so hard these days to be with the friends that you just can't live without. Everyone has got their own thing going on and it's not always easy to get any time with them. I'm thrilled that Shane and I have made promises that we will do what ever it takes to make sure that we do have time together. We really had not spent that much time together since fall of last year. So it really means a lot to me that we are both in that mind set that we will not let that happen again.

Who is really the offender?

Just like everyone else in my town this was taped to my door a few weeks ago. It instantly reminded me of the movie Little Children with my girlfriend Kate Winslate. Excellent flick if you have not had the chance. Anyway, it made me laugh. I realize that was the exact opposite intention. Really? They want to "fined" out who these people are. Then it actually struck me to be upset about this, but once again, not in the way that it was intended to. I was pissed at whom ever did this. It's a total fear tactic. The best part is that we went to the website. It's FEE service that allows you to check your zip code for offenders in your area. It's a monthly deal so that you can check your hood when ever you need to feel unsafe in your own home. They provide this lovely service for $4.95 per month. I was reading an article today about how this played out in other homes. You know, since we just laughed a lot about the "fined" in ours. There were 911 calls from freaked out kids whose parents were not home. There was undue stress and fear for hundreds of families. So basically this stunt caused a lot of drama for a lot of people. Even if we had kids I truly think that I would feel the same way about it. I do believe that as a parent that it is important to be aware of what is going on. I just can't stand this drive to make money off of a bunch of freaked out families. Also, the term sex offender is a pretty wide array of people. It can be anything from a serial rapist to a minor that decided to be a dumb ass. The latter actually has happen in my own family. The boy was 13 and was dared to go honk the boob of a girl in his class that he had a crush on. The girl went home crying and mortified, as I would have at that age. Her parents filed sexual harassment charges against the boy. He is now classified as a sex offender. NO JOKE! So what do we know about these sex offenders? Nothing. Other than we need to assume the worst. We need to exile them. We need to show up on a mob and force them out. I don't know where the line is drawn. I think that you should be aware, but when is it just going too far? All I know is that this flier was too far for me. It doesn't help that they spelled it "fined"!

I decided to change the background for this blog. I think that it looks happier.

We have hired a person to take over my current position. I'm not sure when they start, but I feel a relief already. All the applicants that we interviewed already work for the company. So I already new before interviewing who would be hired since we already knew the people before we even started. In our situation it's important to look at more than qualifications. The last thing we need in our department is any more drama. I think that some people can slowly poison the people around them.

My plan is still to leave and take the package as soon as that time comes. I can't help but to hope that is sooner rather than later. It's really my chance to leave and not feel bad about it. I have become the person that I am partly due to working here for the last nine years. It has made me strong. It has made me independent. It's not like I'm not aware of this. I just need to break away. This job has been too much for too long. I'm excited at the prospect of leaving. I'm sure that I'll shed some tears about leaving, but most of them will be filled with joy.

Ayden's first birthday was great! He got tons of cool stuff and lots of attention. There is just no way to not love that kid. He was super cute eating his little cake that I made him. He's such a big boy! He's trying so hard to walk and talk. You really can't imagine a happier little man. I totally can't help it, my BFF stole my heart long ago. I just can't see him giving it back any time soon.



We were all very happy to make it through Ayden's birthday without him having to share it with his soon to be baby sister. Tosha just needs to make it a couple more weeks. That way the baby should be healthy enough to be able to go home. This is very good news.

Flower Power -

Just got a delivery of beautiful sun flowers for my 9 year anniversary here at work. I realize that the company picked up the bill, but I know that it was Z that picked them out just for me. Thanks Deb! Your the best!

My Vajayjay -

So good news! No surgery for me! I know that I never really went into any details of my "health issues" from a few weeks ago and now I don't really have to. Turns out that what is not normal for those of you that can have kids is totally normal for me. Still, I had to have yet another ultra sound. No, I'm not talking about the nice one they side over your belly. I'm talking about the one that uses a wand with a condom and lots of lube that goes up your vajayjay. Not so much fun. It's awkward as all get out and feels like bad sex. This one was really bad. The ultra sound chick asked me to insert the wand myself! I felt totally dirty and violated, but like I violated myself. It's wrong I tell you. Wrong! I'm still totally thrilled (while at the same time dirty and violated) that I don't have anything to worry about. My gyno is totally cool. I really dig her a lot. I'll be honest , I think that she's completely beautiful and that makes me feel creepy. It's really not right to have a girl crush on the chick giving you a pap. You know?

PS - We'll be heading out tonight for BFF's birthday. I get to make out with my little man! He's way too big for shaken baby, but I'm sure that we can find a new horrific sounding game to play.

My Thank You -

I came home tonight to a thank you card. I know that it's totally silly, but this card really did make my day. When you get married there are hundreds of thank yous to send. It's not always so personal. Her card really did make me feel special. Here it is:

Hey Fool (as you would say).......
Thank you for the sheets, just so that you know they are already on the bed. The picture frames will be a nice addition to the blue and brown decor. (HA HA) Look at me sounding like I know what I'm talking about. I just wanted to say thanks for being a big part of my planning, also for helping me to make a final decision on a dress. When I leave the company I will keep in touch especially since you are one of my favorite people EVER.
Shayna

See, wouldn't that make you feel great too? I really do LOVE Shayna. She's moving to another state soon. I'll miss her so much. She is the person that I chat with most at work and our schedules only overlap by two hours. It's not that everyone else totally sucks. It's that she is so much fun to play with. So there you have it, I'm that damn easy to make feel warm and fuzzy.

Referrals

I forgot to announce earlier that referrals this month have been sent. It looks like they got through 11/14/05. November seems to be a huge month so we'll see how many months it takes CCAA to get through this one. Since my LID is so far out I like to keep an eye out on Margo's. I'm not trying to be negative nelly or anything, but I really can't see her referral coming in this year. I really and truly hope that I'm totally wrong! Her LID is 01/06, so at least by the time that they get to her they'll be referring the same year as us at least.

It's funny. If I could go back in time I would have never told anyone about our adoption. Why is that so funny? Well, I'm about to tell you about our second...... Frenchie and I have a deal that when we can get $5000.00 set aside, we will start on TBD. Yes, we have named the new imaginary child TBD. The scoop is that we have several paths that we want to peak down before we fully decide where we are going. Neither one of us have any racial hang ups so that leaves us pretty open. To be totally honest I think that starting a second adoption would certainly help to cope with the current wait for Sophie. That's not why we are doing it. We had always planned on TBD once we had Sophie home. Since that's not happening any time soon we have decided to push the plan forward a little bit. We just want to be a family. I'd like for that to happen before we hit retirement age.

Big Bang -

Sure it's been a while since I posted, but I'm not so sure I have had anything to say.

I just found out today that we are in the REVIEW ROOM at CCAA. To be honest, that freaks me out. I'm happy to be getting it over with, but I do wish that we'd be out of there already. I don't want to hear anything other than they have passed our LID. The thing is that if they have any questions about our dossier it would delay our referral or even worse, they could decline us. So lets just all pray that they get through us quickly with no questions.

I didn't exactly have a bang up 4th. Frenchie had to work for most of the day. So I spent way too much time with myself doing the worst thing possible.....thinking. Holidays are so hard for me. I get so jealous of those people that get to celebrate with their kids. It feels like that may never happen for me. I was so mad about it all yesterday. My sister Amy left a message on my machine. She was just as happy as she could be. I mean I would be too if I were her. It's her daughter's first Independence Day. But it just pissed me off to hear that high in her voice since I felt so low. It would have different if I had been around other people to take my mind off of it, but that didn't happen. So basically I was just an angry girl that felt sorry for herself.

We are officially interviewing people to "take my job". I think that we'll make a decision today. I'm thrilled about all this. I'm drowning in work and it feels like someone is throwing me a life preserver. Also had my 9 year review. I finally got a real raise again. I had hit the ceiling years ago and they just brought that up. So that means that I just some much needed extra moola in my check. Seriously I have been in this position for 9 years!!! Little Andy is the only person I know my age that has kept a job as long as I have. The job I had before here was 5 years. Considering that I'm 31, I think that pretty freakin impressive.

It's Ayden's first birthday on 7/7/07. His baby sister is due in a couple of weeks. I think that he is going to be a great big brother. I miss him so much. I feel like I'm missing the funnest part of him. He's learning to walk and talk. He's even better looking if that is possible. I'll make his first birthday cake ever. I can't wait to see him dig into it.