Congrats...

I wanted to extend a heartfelt congratulations to all of you that are getting your referrals today. I have no doubt that your angel will be all that you dreamed she (or he) would be.

My blogger confessions:

I hate reading people's blogs that already have kids (birth or adopted). The only exception to that is if I read them before they went to China.

I don't want my DTC group to ever get my blog address. The reason is that I don't want strangers to know that I'm bitchy and bitter. If I go to China with them I don't want them to know the secret me.

Blogging is both good and bad for me. Good:I feel better after getting crap off my chest. I don't have to tell a story nine million times or have to explain how I feel. Bad: It leaves me vulnerable to people that I know to judge me.

I want everyone to have a blog so that so that I can snoop in their lives. I may be nosey, but I'm honest.

The Dream Poem

As a girl I had a common dream, to be a mom someday. My baby would have eyes of blue and hair the hue of hay. But now my dreams have been transformed. New visions fill my head. Now the tresses that long to stroke are raven black instead. And in my dreams those eyes are not so big or blue or round. Now in my dreams they're almond shaped and colored cocoa brown. And in my dreams my arms can stretch across enormous seas. They reach half way around the world and hold you close to me. As you grow in your mother's womb, carefully knit together, you're also growing in my heart, where you will stay forever. And in my dreams the moment that your mother says good-bye, I'll be there to comfort you and hold you as you cry. Our feathers may not look alike; we are as different as can be. But I still know the Father has created you for me. And though I have not seen your face, or held your tiny hands, and though we're half a world apart in very different lands. I'll be right there to get you as soon as God allows. But 'till he says the time is right I give you this vow. I'll pray for your protection every day on bent knee. For God to hold you in his arms until you're here with me.

I didn't write that. I just like it.

I still have not been able to bring myself to talk to N. I don't want to do it until I can be as happy and supportive as I can be. Right now I'm still wallowing in my own self pitty. I can only hope that N will understand my feelings right now. It occurred to me last night that A's baby will be at least a year before we bring my Sophie home. That hurts. I'm not going to pretend that it doesn't. Don't get me wrong, my issue is not that I want what they have. It's just the wait that hurts. With other girls it's not such a huge thing. My own sisters makes it far more difficult because it's in my face all of the time. My family is very excited for the girls as they should be. Trust me, there is a lot of talk. I'm not going to ask them to not talk or be excited. So I need to figure something else out pretty soon.

In other news I got my delivery from the best store ever (aka Pottery Barn Kids). Frenchie actually said "I love it!". Creepy. He never says that. It made me feel great that he was so pleased with my purchases(and the ones before that). We laid in that room last night. We didn't say too much. Just laid there and day-dreamed. I know that it means just as much to him, I'm just far more vocal about it. He some how figured out how to not be an exposed nerve. I hope to get caught back up with my super chicked out guest room that will someday be her nursery. I really don't have too much work left to do to make it a functioning room.

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun....

Irina and I had one of the best girls night out that I have ever had. We went to a "fun park" for kids on Monday. She's just learning to drive. She says that chicks don't really drive in Russia. So I decided that we should go play on go-carts. It was a great night all together. We drove go-carts, played lazer tag, skee-ball, and bumper boats. We were dirty and soaked the entire time. We made enemies and then friends with a group of eight year old boys. We have been arguing over who got felt up by the go-cart kid the most. If you ask me it was totally her. We followed it up with a great dinner and lots of good conversation. The night was designed to be for her benefit. She's not allowed to work in the states yet. All the time alone is really getting to her. It may have been meant for her, but I think that it was great for me too. Not once did I have time to think about anything except fun. I really needed that. Irina and I bring out childish aspects of each other. I really dig that. Some times we all need to loose yourself and giggle. She's going "home" today. Even though we e-mail just about every day I'm still going to miss her. It's just different when we are together.

Adding to the list of things that I haven't dealt with. I just found out that my youngest sister, N, is pregnant too. This will not be pretty on my end. The thing is that I can't show any of that because I'll just look bitter and jealous. Lets face it, the very first mention of the pregnancy and I'm focusing on myself and not the soon to be parents. I'm not exactly proving myself to be sister of the year right now.

I need to start tanning today so that I'll be a pretty girl for the weddings. Tan fat looks better than white fat any day of the week! People are very different as far as tanning goes. Some wear swim suits, some underwear, and some go totally naked. I'm a naked tanner. I like it that way too. I figure if I'm going to spend the money and time then I'm not having avoidable tan lines. I do have to tell you my tanning secret. There is a spot that will NOT tan. Like my entire body will have great color going on except this spot on my ass. It's really funny looking. Frenchie can't help but laugh at it. Since there is nothing that I can do about it I figure that I'll just let it amuse me. It's actually good in one way. I don't need the little stickers to let me know how dark I have gotten.

I know that she never reads my blog, but I want to wish my sister, A, a happy birthday.

Birthdays, Stress, and My New Bra....

Birthdays kill me this time of year. For the first time ever I forgot Buff's. I feel like an ass. It was Big Boy's birthday on Saturday. He's like me where birthdays are nice, but we don't want or need a big deal at all. I think that he was happy with his gifts and the low key kind of day. A's birthday is just a couple of days away. Just a couple of weeks after that is N's and my BIL. Too much!!!

My right arm has a nasty rash all over it. Not pretty. I get them when my stress level is too high. It's not just my arm that is showing off my stress. My entire body shows the signs in some way. I think that there is too much that I haven't dealt with. I'm not sure that I'm ready to deal with. I also just don't have time for a really great melt down. Mean while I'm being asked for more; more at work and more in my personal life. I don't know that I have that I have much more to give.

In other news I bought the most amazing bra ever. My boobs look beyond great in this thing. I had no idea that they could get that high. For those of you that don't know me I'm stacked. I'm a big girl, so they are proportinate to my body. I've got some good bras, but nothing like this one. I honestly had to stop at ever mirror and look at those puppies the first day that I wore it. The only thing that sucks is that you have to work for NASA to figure out how to get the damn thing on. It's trickie than any bra should be.

About me.....

> 1. FIRST NAME: Not on the blog
> 2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes, my mother's great-grandmother.
> 3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Yesterday, trying to talk about the wait.
> 4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No but it's ok
> 5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? roast beef
> 6. KIDS? someday Sophia
> 7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes. I'm a mean pain in the ass, but I'll do anything for my friends.
> 8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? This blog
> 9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Probably too much
> 10. Do you still have your tonsils? Yep.
> 11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Not now. Maybe a few years ago.
>12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Frosted Flakes
> 13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No, when I put them back on
> 14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes. More than I give myself credit for on most days.
> 15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Cookie dough or brownie batter
> 16. SHOE SIZE? 8 1/2
> 17. RED OR PINK?Red
> 18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? The stupid things that come out of my mouth that I don't even mean.
> 19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Old friends
> 20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Nope
> 21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES YOU ARE WEARING? Black capris and cute black wedge shoes
> 22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Pasta left overs
> 23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? radio commercial
> 24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? What the hell kind of question is that?
> 25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL? My hair. What can I say, I love the shampoo that I use.
> 26. Was the last person you talked to on the phone? Z
> 27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Shoulders
> 28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Very much.
> 29. FAVORITE DRINK? Water. I don't like the way that I feel without it.
> 30. FAVORITE SPORT? Not really a sports kind of girl.
> 31 EYE COLOR? Blue/Grey
> 32 DO YOU PLUCK OR WAX YOUR EYEBROWS? I'm a plucker!
> 33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No
> 34. FAVORITE FOOD? Stuffed salmon.
> 35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy Ending
> 36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Pirates 2
> 37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Blue
> 38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer!!!!!!
> 39. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs
> 40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Anything chocolate
> 41. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? I've got a couple started, but haven't touched them in ages.
> 42. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? The Scream (painting)
> 43. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Entorage
> 44. FAVORITE SOUNDS? The kids playing in my frint yard.
> 45. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles
> 46. THE FURTHEST YOU BEEN FROM HOME? Carribian
> 47. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Cake decorating

Top 5..........

Top 5 things you should never say to people adopting from China:

5. "You are such a good person for adopting. Do you know that they do to those girls over there?" - I'm not saving Sophia. She's saving me.
4. "Why would you go half way across the world when we have kids here that need homes? I believe that you should do for your own first." - It's an extremely personal decision and you can never really understand until you are the one making it. If you feel so strongly than you can start paper work for your own adoption.
3. "Will you tell her that she's adopted?" - Yes, I have in fact been asked this question. The answer is no. I've decided to let her figure it out on her own. That will make for delightful teen years won't it?
2. "I bet you any amount of money that as soon as you get her you'll find out that you are pregnant." - I loathe these people. We are BOTH INFERTILE. SHUT UP!! You are not cute and it's not the way that it works.
1. "Just be patient. It will happen." - I loathe you the most. If I become a serial killer you are the first on my list.

Pitty party....

It's hard having my sister pregnant in case you were wondering. I do not wish that it were me instead of her. I really am very ecited about being an aunt. It's just hard knowing that she'll have her baby in arms by March. With the new news it's hard not to focus on that. A is having horrible morining sickness. Don't get me wrong I honestly feel very bad for her. On the other hand, I would take every second of that morning sickness and more if I knew that I too could have my baby in arms by this time next year.

I don't know if Frenchie knows about the 18 months yet or not. I hope so. I really don't want to tell him. It's not like he has those pitty parties like I have, but it still hurts him.

I went to see Ayden, Tosha's baby this weekend. I wasn't prepared for his size. I thought that I was, but I was totally wrong. The good news is that he'll be fine. It's not going to be easy, but he's doing great. By the way, he's totally a cutie.

My broken heart..........

"From Australia - Official Information
July 17th, 2006
This is not a rumor, this is officially from Australia. They do not have individual private agencies, their government relays all information that they get, and this comes from their government.

The statement basically says that they are aware that there were encouraging comments from the CCAA delegation about the wait times. However, they state that the CCAA advised their departments that the waiting time from LID until referral will now begin to extend beyond 12 months. The wait is expected to extend to 18 months over the coming year.

The email notes that it is terribly disappointing, but that they want their families to have a realistic assessment of waiting times."

The above post was on the Rumor Queen site this morning. It has been confirmed by Spain. I have not yet checked CCIA yet. Yes, I felt that this was coming. No, I am not okay. If it's okay with people I would prefer not to talk about it until I am ready. So please don't ask me about it. When I'm ready I'll let you know. I'm at work and trying not to cry. I've tried to prepare myself, but I guess that I didn't try hard enough.

Rumor Queen is the Devil!!

We have not even been LID for a month and I have already become completely insane. It's so hard to read the Rumor Queen. In the same damn post she'll say that projections show that we could go up to a two year wait and in the next sentence she'll say that she's heard that they are going to start doing full months of referrals again. I feel bi-polar by the end of one paragraph. Why do I read this crap every day? My guess is that I secretly a bad girl who needs to be punished. What ever the reason I read it every day. Yes, I think I'm stupid for it too. I figure that if I'm this bad now I'll be totally screwed in six months.

I'm not sure if I have mentioned it yet or not but we have started on the "nursery". It may look like total crap right now, but each step is looking exactly like I had planned. It's exciting to see your vision come to life. I love to go in there and just look around. I like to pretend that the room is complete and we have brought our little girl home. The room is so important to me. Not only is it something for her, but I think that it's my only way right now to express my pure love for this child. Yes, I love this child that hasn't even been born yet. Hell, I don't even know if she has been conceived yet. I have no idea what she looks like. I don't know who she is. Things like if she's affectionate or not is a mystery to me. I don't know anything other than I love her. It's not like the word "love". It's the love with the strength of my love for my husband or my family. I know how crazy I sound and that's okay.

A new baby and a big baby

Little Tosha had baby Ayden on Friday morning. He's three months early and a whopping two pounds. My heart just breaks for them. I was fortunate enough to see her on Friday. She'll be leaving the hospital today. This is excellent since Ayden is in the NICU of another hospital. I am just so happy that she'll be able to see him again. I really do have to say that she has been a trooper about it all. I don't know that I could have kept it all that together if I were in her place.

I got to see Mom and Dad this weekend for a little bit. I loved that. No matter how old I get I still need them. Some days I just want to cuddle up with them and pretend that I'm not really an adult with a world of stress. Yes, I still love to cuddle with my parents. Yes, both of them. I like to cuddle up to my dad's belly. I call it "da baby". It's just like a pregnant belly but much harder. Dad hates it when I do that. I love to do it. I win. With mom it's hard. In spots she's pokey to cuddle with, so you have to find just the right spot to snuggle up to. Naturally the spot I find most comfortable she does not. Mom hates it. I love it. She wins. Maybe when I'm the parent I won't be so damn childish when it comes to Mom & Dad. I hope not. I hope that we'll always be so affectionate.

Two Weddings And An Ass Load Of Drama....

I just found out this weekend that my sisters will be getting married within two weeks of one another. It's going to be a very crazy summer. Both weddings are not without drama.
N's wedding has been planned for a year. Everything was good up until a few days ago when his "Aunt" decided to say a few words to N.I guess that she told N that she was not good enough for him. Then she insists to N that she end the engagement and break up. Messed up don't you think?
A's wedding has not fully been planned. They have decided to make it happen within two months. She doesn't want to show while walking down the isle. I don't blame her for that. Anyway, they just decided to go for it this weekend. Yikes! So anyway his mother asks if they can make it happen within a month. The reason for that is that she doesn't want anyone to know that A is pregnant. It's freak'n 2006! Are you kidding me that this pregnancy must be shamed?
I didn't have this drama during my wedding. I know that I'm not my M-I-L's BFF, but please. I worry about how the crap with the "Aunt" is going to play out between those kids. He doesn't have a lot of family from my understanding. It's too bad since he is a really sweet guy. It just makes me sad for him most of all. Sure it was N that was beat down verbally. In the end he has to be the one that will always to remember that someone he loves hurt the girl he plans on spending the rest of his life with. I mostly worry about A in that situation. She is the one that spastically trying to plan a quick wedding and hold back morning sickness at the same time. She knows that her future M-I-L looks down on her about being pregnant. I have always been so over protective of my sisters so it's really hard for me to not jump in and start kicking ass. I have to respect that they are now adults that have to deal with their future in-laws for years to come. It's not my place to do or say anything.

The Real World - Denver

Frenchie just met me for lunch. For those of you that don't know, I work downtown Denver. As we were walking back from lunch we saw the cast of The Real World that is now being filmed in Denver. It's not like their celebrities by any means I just thought that it was fun. It will be nice to see that season in my town.

The weekend was good and painful at the same time. Ang and I went to lunch and a movie for a nice girls day out. We followed that up by having drinks with Julie. I had too much to drink and was a total hung over mess yesterday. It was still nice to have a total girls day. I miss that sort of thing about being single, but I appreciate it now that I'm married.

Ang and I picked out paint for Sophie's room. We discovered after doing a test patch that the color is Sweet-n-low packet pink. It's funny. No matter what anyone else thinks, I'm really happy with the color and can't wait to get it all up.