What's in a month?

When Frenchie and I decided to start trying there was no stress, no fear, and no worries. I was going to save bucks since I did not have to buy birth control any more. Frenchie was going to get more sex than he could have wished for. It was good times. There was excitement in the air. After the first few months went by we really were not concerned. A few months after that I started to feel the stress. It was a roller coaster of emotion. Let me explain. Just after my period was the best place for me. I knew that there was nothing that I could do. It wasn't a time when it was possible to get pregnant so I was able to relax or at least feel numb. After that was mucus and then ovulation. I can't put into words the stress involved. Sex became a job that had to be done in a certain way. There was no enjoyment on my end. Every time I knew what was at stake. If Frenchie and I were apart for what ever reason it was like I was missing my chance. Anyway after ovulation is the wait. That's the worst part. I was half hopeful and half panicked. At the first hint of cramps I'd pretend that they didn't exist. I'd lie to myself. I'd take a pregnancy test every day in secret. They all came out negative but I'd tell myself that it would be different the next day, but they never were. And as always I'd start my period. This is where I'd breakdown. That first day was like someone had ripped out my soul. There was nothing that could make it better on day one. Day two I would try, but my heart would be so sore from the pain of the day before. Day three was my bitterness day. This is where I get to be angry at myself, Frenchie, God, and pregnant girls. The next few days was when I worked to pull myself together just to start it all over again.
Finding out that we could not have children was like every nightmare coming true. I don't want to discount that news. On the up side there was no need to go through my monthly roller coaster any more. There would be none of it right? We were going to pursue adoption and that was going to be so much easier on my little broken heart. At least it started that way.
Referrals come out once a month these days. The number of LID days that are sent is the big thing. When we first started this journey CCAA was doing a months worth of LID's every month. Then the slowdown came. I'm not going to go on about why the slowdown again, seriously not today. But the point is that this is where I feel like we are trying to conceive again. After referrals you are just waiting. There is nothing that you can do. There is not going to be anything coming out. It's a numb time. Next comes the "projection" phase. This is where the world is a buzz about how many LID days are going to be in the next bunch. It's always going to be the month that is going to speed up. The Rumor queen site is throwing out numbers and people are all excited. Then comes the leaks. Agencies start to tell their clients what LID dates to expect. There is always a good number and a bad number that gets out there. I get half hopeful and half panicked. Then that day comes where the official LID days are out and some people get their referrals and some don't. First I take note of how many days were done and shake my head. This month was no better than last. I know that this news only tells me that my wait is longer than it was the day before. I go and see all the pictures of the newly referred babies out there. They are so beautiful and my heart hurts. I think of those families that missed this month's cut off by a day or two and are now forced to wait yet another month. I breakdown. I can't feel this adoption treadmill slowing down for me at all. It takes days to pull myself together only to start it all over again.
So the last thirty-four months I have lived one at a time.

Referrals will be out soon. Very soon in fact. My whole hearted congrats to those that will receive theirs. My hearts breaks for those that were so close, but did not make the cut off. And to myself, I just need to remember that the world could change in a month.