Desperately Seeking Sophia

Since June of 2005 I have been obsessed with information from China / adoption. It started needing information about the adoption program. I read every agency's site in total. I had all the rules and regs committed to memory before we had even "started" researching. At our CCAI information meeting nothing came as a surprise. I found blogs and forums to get personal experiences. I found more and more resources on-line like the RQ. I'm not sure that these things have done anything to help my state of mind. The thing is that I CAN'T stop. I'm constantly checking throughout the day for updates or anything. It's the only link that I have. It's the only connection to it all. When you are pregnant there is a baby growing in your stomach. There is a link to your child. Being paper pregnant there is nothing to link you to your child. It's a very empty feeling. For all this time I have tried to fill that emptiness with any news or information that I could get. But sadly it's not enough. There is never enough to get me by or settle my nerves. I really hate that. I just want so badly to feel complete or even good. I get so damn tired of feeling this way. Something that makes me scoff is that in the new CCAA regs it states that people that have been medicated for depression are no longer allowed to adopt. I may have to be medicated for the depression brought on by my adoption. I'm actually not joking.