Crappy Chistmas

I'll be honest. We did not have a very merry Christmas. As a matter of fact, it kinda sucked. Both Frenchie and I were in a funk. I guess that I should start out with the obvious. It was three years ago on Christmas Eve that we decided to start a family. That was the last birth control pill that I took. We (or to be more accurate I) was very excited about this. Frenchie didn't really get on the same level until like April-Mayish. Anyway, the next Christmas Eve I was SURE that we had made a baby that night. The next year would be full of fertility testing and disappointment for the both of us. Last Christmas wasn't so bad. We had Shane and Ang over. So close family in other words. It was happy and joyful. We KNEW that it was our last without a child. We would totally have Sophia by now. We celebrated it like it was the last. This year year we were both numb and tired. There was no Christmas sparkle and shine. It was just depressing. It was just one more year gone by that our dreams had not come true. Next year? Well, I doubt it. I can no longer allow myself to get my hopes up like that. I also felt like we were so alone this year. We have celebrated Christmas just the two of us several times and it was so great. This year it just felt lonely. I think that the reason for that is that there was not another soul to distract us or to make us pretend like everything was okay until we actually felt that way. It was just him, me, and that empty feeling. We went through the motions, but talked about how we felt about the day. I'm just glad that it's over.