Devil Rant

I've lost the will to stalk. Yes, it's true. There were countless Asian girls in the mall Friday night, many of them with white parents. They did not get a second look. There was no heart pitter. There was no prolonged glance. There was certainly not any following at a safe distance trying/afraid to talk to parents. There was nothing.

Yes, I'm angry. Yes, I'm hurt. Every time that I think that there is nothing left of my broken heart I find out that I'm wrong. I want to scream. I want to throw, kick, or punch. I want to get this feeling out of me. I want the world to know that it's not okay. I'm not okay. It's not fair. It's fucked up. As if it wasn't bad enough to be infertile. I guess that a certain someone thought that I needed to be put through much much more pain. I just don't get how everyone stays so damn cheery and positive. Don't they know? Don't they understand? Is it yoga? Is it a prescription? I'd love to have a rosy out look, but it's just not there. This feeling has consumed me. It feels like I will never be a mom. Or by the time that I am I'll be this bitter angry shell of what I used to be. As it now, I can't stand looking into a mirror. I have gotten bigger than pre TrimSpa Baby Anna freaken Nicole Smith. My skin looks like I have a flesh eating disease that people only get in Africa. I finally look on the outside what I feel like on the inside. When I read my own posts on this blog I don't really like the person that I'm reading. What happens to me as this just gets longer and longer? Will there be anything left of me?