Our Parenting Plan......

A few weeks ago Mom and I were having a discussion about Ayden. I had mentioned that he is held by us and his mom for the most part. With us he is only down for about 10 to 20 minutes a night and then when he's in a deep sleep. My mom was kinda freaked by this and wanted us to know that we should put the baby down so that he'll learn. She followed that up with Frenchie and I needed to learn as well for Sophia.

I'm not trashing my mom at all. This is how typical parenting in our country works. I'm not disputing that it's a bad thing or wrong in any way shape or form. The thing is that Frenchie and I are going to have to parent our baby differently. Our circumstances are going to be very different from most people that have their baby from birth. We'll have a baby that has most likely been in an orphanage for months after being abandoned. So what I have decided to do is toss in a few articles in every once in a while to help my friends and family understand why we may do things that our society finds very wrong. I know that there will be a lot of negative things said about the way we will do things, but I can't let that get to me. We will be doing these things for a reason. Our attachment is far more important that any one's opinion. I'm not trying to offend, just educate on what we'll be facing.

Promoting Attachment in Adopted Infants by Jessica Jerard
The following are recommendations from therapists and parents to help infants develop secure attachment to parents. Babies with attachment problems may be quite resistant and unresponsive for a while, and eliciting eye contact, smiles and cuddles may need a great deal of perseverance from parents. Most parents will naturally do some of these activities, but other practices are quite different from the normal American customs for older babies. New parents may wish to try them for the first weeks to promote rapid and secure attachment, and to minimize possible long-term problems, even if the baby appears to be bonding well. These practices would be beneficial for any newly-adopted baby.These activities encourage the baby to regress to early infancy, and experience the situations which build attachment from birth. Parents recreate the attachment cycle deliberately and intrusively, actively discouraging the independence and separation which is age-appropriate in normally developing birthchildren.. They create frequent situations where they interact intensely with the baby. Parents try to be extremely alert to the baby's signals, responding quickly and consistently. Parents do not deny that the baby has suffered trauma, but are empathetic.
1. Ease the trauma of transition as far as possible. In some countries, you can visit the baby in the orphanage several times before taking him or her away, but in others, the baby is abruptly taken and handed over to the parent's care. The total sensory impact of this sudden removal from familiar sights, smells, sounds and textures is often traumatic. Anything you can do to provide continuity can help. Ask about the baby's routines, likes and dislikes. Some parents have been able to send a receiving blanket or soft toy beforehand to the orphanage with their own body scent on it (sleep with it under your nightwear) so the baby recognizes them by smell. Even if washed on return, it will have the familiar smell of the orphanage to comfort the baby. When you receive the baby, leave the original clothing on for the first few hours if possible, keep at least one piece of clothing if permitted (take new clothes to exchange) and keep it, unwashed, in the crib for a few days. Keep the baby on the formula and foods given in the orphanage for at least a few days, and make the transition to new formula gradual. A tape or CD of lullabies or other singing in the baby's native language can calm and comfort the baby. Once at home, an unvarying and predictable daily routine will help your baby feel more safe and secure.
2. Focus on building the relationship with the mother (father if adopting as a single parent, of course). The mother needs to establish her dominance as parent. Only the mother should do the feeding, and should do much of the holding and play. This may seem hard, but this primary bond is crucial for normal emotional development. Let no one else hold the baby except the parents, even at the airport on your triumphant arrival home!! Isolate yourselves with the baby at home for the first week or two, with as few visitors as possible. Do not let visitors hold the baby. Mothers can use the same baby soap, shampoo and lotion, to bond through the baby's sense of smell.
3. Feeding is very important in building attachment. Orphanage babies are usually accustomed to holding their bottle themselves, or may be weaned from the bottle already. Experts strongly recommend returning to bottle-feeding. The mother should always hold the bottle, holding the baby in the classic cuddling position and get eye contact all the time while feeding, if necessary by stroking the baby's cheek, or talking to attract attention. Do not allow the baby to bottle-feed himself or herself. Let the baby continue to bottle-feed this way well into the second year, and beyond if necessary, regardless of the standard advice of pediatricians to stop bottle feeding at 12 months. The baby needs this bonding experience. (clean teeth afterwards to avoid decay in toddlers)When the baby is eating solids, the mother should always feed him or her herself. Do not encourage early independence in self-feeding. Hold the baby on your lap if possible, with eye contact. If the baby must be in a high chair, keep it very close to you, between parents if possible, and touch him or her often, use lots of eye contact and conversation. If the child insists on self-feeding, play interactive, reciprocal feeding games - you put a Cheerio in her mouth, she puts one in your mouth.
4. Lots of physical contact is very important. Orphanage babies are typically severely deprived of physical contact. Hold and carry the baby as much as possible. Cuddle, caress, stroke and rock, gentle wrestling and tickling are fine if not over-stimulating. Cuddling the baby with eye contact while rocking her or him in a rocking chair is very beneficial: some therapists advise scheduling a half-hour rocking time a day. Use a baby sling or cloth carrier ( Snuggly, etc) to carry her or him facing inwards against your body, wear the baby all day while you go about household tasks. Obviously, you will need to use a car seat while driving, but when you get to your destination, do not carry the baby about in the plastic baby carrier, but hold him or her in your arms, or against your body in a cloth baby carrier. If you do use a stroller, get one that reverses, so the baby faces you. Wear soft clothing without hard belts and buttons. Maximize skin-to skin contact by both wearing short sleeves, holding the naked infant against your bare skin at times and enjoying warm baths or swimming together, or going to infant swimming classes. Massaging the baby with baby oil is very beneficial.
5. Engage in frequent playful interaction with your baby. Do not leave the baby to entertain herself or himself for long periods. All of the traditional "baby games' are great: pat-a-cake, blowing "raspberries", peek-a-boo, counting rhymes with fingers and toes (this little piggie) "riding" the parent's leg, rolling a ball back and forth, imitating the baby's sounds, etc. Play together with baby toys. Swinging in a baby swing is great, if you have the baby face you, and make him or her look at you and interact with you to get you to swing her again. Therapists strongly recommend using a large mirror for babies who resist eye contact, so that when the baby turns away, she sees you still, cuddling her. Play games using the mirror.
6. Night-time parenting is important, too. Babies with attachment problems should be responded to when they cry in the night. Again, the key is to treat them as newborns. They still need to learn that their cries will always be answered. Mom should stay with the baby as she or he falls asleep, rocking, singing, caressing, etc. Parents should comfort the baby whenever he or she cries in the night. These babies typically sleep in the parents' room, either in their own crib near the parents' bed, or with the parents in the Family Bed ( if you choose this option, be sure to follow all safety recommendations to ensure the baby does not suffocate on or under soft bedding, get lodged between the bed and the wall, or adjacent furniture, or get suffocated accidentally by parents ) Again, this is a situation where others, including your pediatrician, may advise you to teach the older baby to sleep by herself or himself, by letting him or her "cry it out". Leaving a baby to cry is not appropriate for poorly attached infants. When a child seems securely attached then parents may want to encourage the baby to learn to sleep through the night alone. Be sure to eliminate medical causes if the baby's sleep is restless and frequently interrupted by waking and crying: ear infections and lactose intolerance are possible causes of poor sleeping.
7. Holding Time. Many attachment therapists and parents whose children have overcome attachment problems believe this therapy is crucial. The mother holds the child in the cuddling position, with one arm behind her, and tries to maintain eye contact. She may talk reassuringly to the baby about how much she loves her, and will protect her and always be with her, dealing with the issues that have created rage in the baby. The baby will resist and rage, but the mother persists in gently but firmly holding until they reach resolution, a period of relaxed, happy and affectionate interaction between mom and baby. This parenting technique was developed by Martha Welch to improve attachment and behavior in normal children, but it has been found to be especially effective in treating RAD, and some adoptive parents choose to resolve attachment issues by beginning to use this method soon after adoption. For further information on this technique, read Martha Welch, Holding Time.


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Like I said, I'm not disputing parenting in America. All I'm asking is that you give us a little understanding for our situation.