Quick Post -

In less than one week I'll be Auntie M! How great is that? A says that if she does not have the baby by Tuesday they will induce. I think N's baby will be here sooner rather than later. So I'll have two nieces so in such a short time. Rock on for me! I'm going to be the greatest aunt and if those little girls don't think so I'll buy their affection like I do with other kids. No, I'm not above paying for some love.

The rumors out now are that referrals are on the way. My understanding is that it looks good that they got through to 10/14/05, but it's not looking like they got as far as 10/17/05. I'm sure this is the last batch we'll see until Chinese New Year celebration week is over. I guess in the past they have tried to do a double batch before CNY, but I just don't see how they could now. Believe me, there is nothing that I'd like more but there is just no way. Just a reminder that we are at 6/15/06. That means that there are still 8 months of LID's before us. So the faster they get through those 8 months of LID's the better. I still worried that the 2008 Olympics. We have been told many times that it should not effect adoptions, but it's hard not to get freaked out. There have already been so many road blocks and delays. I think that it's only human to think about it.

I Heart Paul Simon

Hearts and Bones - Paul Simon

One and one-half wandering jews
Free to wander wherever they choose
Are travelling together
In the sangre de cristo
The blood of christ mountains
Of new mexico
On the last leg of the journey
They started a long time ago
The arc of a love affair
Rainbows in the high desert air
Mountain passes slipping into stones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Thinking back to the season before
Looking back through the cracks in the door
Two people were married
The act was outrageous
The bride was contagious
She burned like a bride
These events may have had some effect
On the man with the girl by his side
The arc of a love affair
His hands rolling down her hair
Love like lightning shaking till it moans
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
And whoa whoa whoa
She said why?
Why dont we drive through the night
And well wake up down in mexico
Oh iI dont know nothin about nothin
About mexico
And tell me why
Why wont you love me
For who I am
Where I am
He said:cause thats not the way the world is baby
This is how I love you, baby
This is how I love you, baby
One and one-half wandering jews
Returned to their natural coasts
To resume old acquaintances
Step out occasionally
And speculate who had been damaged the most
Easy time will determine if these consolations
Will be their reward
The arc of a love affair
Waiting to be restored
You take two bodies and you twirl them into one
Their hearts and their bones
And they wont come undone
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones
Hearts and bones

This is one of my favorite songs. When I'm in a funk it makes me feel better. I'm not sure why. It just does.

It Goes There......

On Friday night's episode of Degrassi they KILLED JT! Those bastards! Does it really have to go there in this case? Didja really have to kill little JT. There are plenty more people that I'd like to see dead. Why not Craig? I can't stand that kid! Or maybe Emma? She's cute, but gotten way too annoying! What about Libby's brother's friend, you know, the white boy with the fro? Or did we really need to kill anyone? I'm still traumatized by the school shooting for crying out loud. Can't we just coast through the cast season? I'm really not a happy camper that if they had to kill little JT that I was not given any time to prepare. It's not the first time in my two decades of Degrassi that I have been this upset. Seriously, the Kevin Smith disappointment was just too much. You take two of my favorite things in this world and combine them and it's going to be amazing right? Um NO! The story line was so stupid and my Kevin Smith was neutered. Don't think for a second that I don't know how I sound going on my rant. Degrassi is a Canadian teen soap that I have been addicted to since before I was a teenager. When the came out with the next generation I knew that I was screwed. It's a really well written show. I think that it's smart and I think that it matters. They really do try to cover as many topics that kids face today. I don't care that I'm probably the only adult out there glued every week. I'm actually not embarrassed at all. I get way too involved because it's so damn good!

So speaking of Kevin Smith, Ang and I went to see Catch and Release this weekend. The movie is supposed to take place in Boulder. Okay fine what ever. There was a group of CU girls sitting behind us in the theater. I'm fine with a little leaning over on occasion and whisper a snipit. Hell, I do it!! These girls were full on talking through the ENTIRE thing. In fact you could hear the lisp that one of them had. I swear they had to talk about EVERYTHING and at slightly louder than normal speaking voice. Every scene they had to exclaim that they knew where that was. The best part was that they only spent a short time filming in Boulder. The majority of the movie was filmed in Canada you little whores! The best part was that there was a baby that cried for about five seconds in the audience. They bitched and carried on about how rude that was to bring a baby that would disrupt the movie. So I have decided to hire a private investigator to find these girls. My new goal in life is to go and ruin every freakin flick they go see for the next five years!!

So I have some great news, my sister A is giving her soon to baby girl the same middle name as mine!! It's silly but I'm so super excited by that. It may not naming her after me, but I'm so hard up for it that I'll take whatever I can get.

Chick Magnet

So here are pics of our BFF Ayden. Yes, ladies I'm the lucky girl that gets to love on him and kiss him all over. I have to admit that Frenchie does not get as much action with me. It's not my fault Ayden is just far to irresistible!

Bad Day..

My heart is a little broken today. This wait hurts so bad. I feel like I'm suffocating in it. I just want to breath. At the same time that I'm hurting I'm still have to fight for my decisions. There are still those people out there that believe that we should have pursued another adoption path. I get so sick of hearing it. Why is it that the people uneducated about any type of adoption are the ones with the most opinions? It's already too hard, why do people that say that love you want to make it any more difficult? I'm not going to suddenly change my mind and do what YOU think that I should so please stop. We are just over 7 months LID. Back when we first started the process I thought that was so much, now it's really not. I often try to think back on every bad thing that I have ever done. I guess the pain is easier to understand if there is a reason for it. Like all the bad things that I have ever done are forming this punishment. I can't just think that it was totally random that both Frenchie AND I ended up being infertile. Yes, I know that I'm up to my eyeballs in self-pitty today.

Awards Dinner

I just got a call from my president here at work (my boss's boss). He wanted to let me know that I will be receiving an invitation to our annual recognition dinner. This is a pretty big deal in our company. In the past all employees voted as to who should be given special recognition with at an awards dinner. This year has been changed and now your vote comes from upper management and not your peers. I have been very fortunate in the past and have been invited like six or seven times at this point. Last year was the best. My boss was given like a best boss award for a letter that I had written about him. They read it out loud and it was so great. That little man grew a foot that night. We are close friends, but not touchy feelie. I can tell you how many times he wanted a hug that night. It was good for me to be able to do something for him that showed how much I love him. Because I do. He's my boss, my friend, my enemy, and that brother I never really wanted. Anyway, so I feel so aggravated. I was actually searching for jobs on-line when my president called me. That's so wrong. It's not upper management that I have beef with in my job. It's the job itself, the fact that there is way too much for one person, and Fartman. I loathe Fartman. For what ever reason he has decided that he needs to have something to do with my job. Does he want to help me? Um no. Does he have any clue as to what he's talking about? Um no. He's actually just making my life much worse. Claims that we do not do as much as we could. Proceeding forward with everything this company believes is wrong. I'm not going to say that I hate him, because who says hate. I will say that he is the closest person on this planet to that word that I feel that way about. And the cherry on top is that he truly feels that my boss and president pale in comparison to him. He talks shit about them, goes behind their backs, and that sneaky SOB is tries to undermine everything that they do. I despise him. I have figured out a way for my life to be so much better. I want them to tell me that Fartman will be taking over my department. I would not hesitate for a second to quit. It's not like my boss would be mad at me that way. There is no guilt there. Screw being a coward about quiting in that case, I would totally have the balls to do it. Company wide people would understand since everyone feels the exact same way. I'm just not sure how to feel about the invite. Of course, I'm very pleased that I would be invited. On the other hand I know that I will be pushed to the point of rage by the end of the day. My mind is going through this love/hate thing right now.

McJackass

So lets be honest, I'm a hag. Sexuality is not a big deal to me. I figure that you love who you love and you should go on with your bad self. I don't care for those that would hate another person because of who they are attracted to. So I'm really bummed about Isaiah Washington (Burke/Grey's Anatomy) and his big stupid mouth. Why would he say the f-word when he was trying to convince the press that he didn't? I really didn't want to believe that he was that guy.

My Weekend

I had a great weekend despite the fact that I had to spend a few hours at work to start it off. Ang and I went to see Stomp the Yard on Saturday. It was a guilty pleasure movie. It was so great to hang out with her. I'd really missed that. Frenchie and I continued things on Sunday seeing Children of Men. It was good but very dark and sad. We bought a totally cute lamp and a upholstered pink rocking chair with an ottoman for the nursery. It made me feel so good to get something new. It's important to me that there is a room in our home that tells us that we will have a daughter. It's also important that I take my time, not just because I need it to be perfect. It will still be a year or more until we even get a picture, so to have a finished nursery would kill me. I met back up with Ang to see Alpha Dogs yesterday. It was so good that it surprised me.

Today at work has been, oh lets say hell! I had a great few days. I really felt like me again this weekend. Now, it's back to being stressed and on the edge of a cliff. I'm not sure if it's me that can't break away from the job or the job can't breakaway from me. Either way it sucks. I almost wish that they would just let me go. The sad part is that I would have to resort to illegal activity for them to do so. They would be jacked if they let me go, so I'm not seeing that happening any time soon. I'm just not sure that I have courage to leave on my own. I've had this job for almost a third of my life. This is my security blanket. It may be something that I hate, but it's something that I know. I would tell anyone else to quite and find something that made them happy. Still, I don't have the guts to do it. I think that pisses me off more than anything.

Just bitching about work.....

Wheeewww.... This week has almost killed me. I'm stretched too far and about to crack. I am the only person in my company that does what I do. We have over 30 locations that rely on me to take care of them. The issue is that there is more work than one person can possibly do. Everyone wants to be placed in my first priority slot all the time. Then there is the added pressure of new projects and products. I'm expected to not only keep up with it all but to be an expert at ever angle. It's just too much. I don't want to say that my issues are ignored, but it's fair to say that nothing has been addressed by management. There are always promises of developments that will reduce my work flow. I'm not going to hold my breath. My boss is located in GJ about 4 hours from here. I have no problem working on my own. In fact I really like it. I just hate to be forgotten. I'm not seen and there for easily forgotten. Yes, I do see motherhood as my ticket out of here. It would be stupid for me to commute an hour and a half every day. It would not be fair to anyone if I came home to my daughter the way I come home now. My hope is that I'll be a stay at home mom until she's ready to go to school. If that does not work out for us then I'll get a part-time job close to home. I will not come back here. I'm not saying that I work for a bad company, but it's truly not as perfect as they would lead you to believe. In the beginning I sipped the kool-aid out of peer pressure. My beloved Shane felt at the time that it was prestigious to work for this company. At one point in time he told Ang that she was not company material. For years he drank it all up. I truly believe that if he had not been let go he would still feel the same way. I guess that I can see both the good and bad of this place. I see what connection and money will force us into doing. So really, unless that kool-aid is spiked just keep it away from me. I thank this company for allowing me to become what I am in my feild. There aren't many people that have such a cushion to fall back on. Still, this is not what I ever really dreamt I would do. Half the time, people including my own family, have no idea what I do for a living. So until that motherhood position opens up for me, I'll be here. I'll be overly stressed. I'll be under paid. I'll be dreaming of walking out the door.

Denied!

Last night I went to my local blood donation center. I donate on a regular basis. In fact I belong to the Gallon Club since I have given over a gallon to this center. So last night I go in to give and I was denied! Me! I guess my count was too low or whatever so they sent me packing. I had to do the walk of shame, or at least it felt that way. This REALLY bothered me. It's important to me to donate every time that I can. My Mom has required blood many times over. She was sick for years due to her kidney failer. Thankfully, her best friend Dianne gave her a kidney. Pretty amazing huh? Anyway, I may not have been able to give a kidney but it's a big deal to do what I can. My blood type is O- (the universal donor) so it's especially important that I do so. Walking out that door unable to give made me feel awful about myself. I'm hoping to give it another shot in the next couple of weeks. Lots of red meat for me I guess. I know there are a ton of people out there that have never donated. I really encourage everyone to do so if you can. I understand that there are religous issues and even fear issues that can prevent you from doing so. If you just haven't thought much about it please do. It's really not so bad at all. Besides, half the fun of it is answering the crack ho questions. No I have not sold sex for drugs. No I have not paid for sex with drugs. No I have not had sex with anyone that has paid for sex with drugs. I love them. Oh and the nurses love to gossip about people who have answered yes. I guess people break down and admit to every dirty little thing that they have ever done. I should also address that I do NOT agree with the whole not allowing gay men to donate thing. It's not 1982 and we do not have the same misconception that we did back then. It really does shock and amaze me that it's still out there. I have only known one person that had HIV and he was a married STRAIGHT man.

This and That...

So the Paula Zahn / CNN thing wasn't what I had hoped. At least it was addressed. I just hate all the negative media that I see. People assume some pretty stupid stuff. So I guess the lesson of the day is to spout uneducated and rediculous statements across the media, but don't you dare say anything negative about something that is important to me.

Yesterday I got the confirmation to what I believed would happen. Ayden and his mom are moving. It shouldn't be for a couple of months, but it will happen. I'm torn about this. It will be the best for them. Still, Fenchie and I are going to miss him so much. It's going to hit us hard once it happens. Ang was worried about me becoming too attached to Ayden and having him "taken away". She was right, I have become too attached. The thing is that I wouldn't change that for anything. I love our BFF. No regrets. We have never made the mistake believing that he was ours. Still, we have given him all the love and affection as if he was. I'm glad that we had this time with him.

We will be facing yet another storm by the end of the week. It will be the 4th week in a row. We sure are getting our asses kicked here in Denver! I have become a better driver in snow and icey conditions. That is always a good thing. I have made a kit just in case I get stuck in my car over night. That's good too.

Update - Paula Zahn / CNN

Just wanted to let you know that Paula Zahn / CNN will be revisiting the issues brought up about Chinese adoption. They have been bombarded with calls and e-mails upset over the panel. Tonight's show will have actual people involved in Chinese adoption. I am very excited to see the show. It's not that everyone has to agree with it, but understand goes a long way. I am happy that Paula Zahn / CNN is responding and trying to give this discussion a proper panel.

Six things...

Over it...
1. Paris, Lindsay, Nichole, and Brittany - Why do people care about what these scanks do or say?
2. Donald and Rosie - They are both errogant, egotistical, and annoying.
3. American Idol - No more PLEASE! Pretty please?
4. Oprah - I really don't get it.
5. Mel and Kramer - I don't care for anyone that spews hate.
6. Jamie Fox and Kanye West - See #2



Can't get enough of it...
1. Lost - Yummy Sayid and Sawyer!!
2. Kevin Smith - He's vulger, crude, and makes me laugh my ass off.
3. Jennifer Hudson - I plan to kidnap her, lock her in a giant cage, and make her sing to me on command.
4. Dave Matthews - Sing dirty to me!
5. Kate Winslet - Someday, when I become a lesbian I'm toatlly stalking you.
6. Matthew McConaughey - Yes, shirts are evil. I think that your pants might be too.

Paula Zahn / CNN

Okay where do I even start? Here is the link just in case you have no idea what I'm talking about. http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0701/05/pzn.01.html . You would think that CNN of all people would have a panel of people with a clue. Seriously! Would have been a stretch to have a person that has adopted from China, internationally, or even at all? Instead they had a jackass spouting an opinion about something they know nothing about. Really, there are people that think we are adopting to get a smart baby? I just have to laugh at how stupid that is! Then we are going to get jumped for not adopting or fostering domestically. What ever. Have you ever been in my shoes? No! Then do not pass judgement until you have had to do the research and make a decision about your family. Who on that panel has looked into domestic adoption? Anyone? I thought so. The race portion is one of my favorites from all this. Really, did they miss a race to stereotype?

You know, this is not a path that I ever thought that I would take. I just assumed that I would have kids on my own. Life did not work out that way for us. We are simply trying to becomes parents. We want to be a family. We have so much love to give. We are going to be some great FUCKING parents. Why do you judge us? Why is okay? I respect those that carry their child for nine months before enduring a pain that I can't even fathom. I respect those families that adopt domestically (in fact my uncle and his wife did - love you Zachary=0) I respect those families that foster children (in fact I would like to do this as well). Why is okay to disrespect those whom have decided to adopt internationally and especially China?

This is all that I have decided to devote to this Paula Zahn / CNN thing. Believe me, they are about to get their ass kicked by thousands of pissed off people. It's been seen before. Well over a year ago there was this "Comic Mom" that decided to blast adoption. Her article was full of hate. It was very sad and upsetting to me. Anyway, that got so super bad that I think she is still in hiding.

It's all in the belly....

I got another picture of my sister N today. She still has another 2 1/2 months to go and she's HUGE. Normally she's built like a very tall 12 year old boy. Homegirl has NO curves. I knew that she would be all belly, but to see it is still crazy to me. Please don't think that I'm at all busting on her body type. I'd kill. Really I would. I'm more rollie than curvy these days. N has always been super tall and skinny and A is thin with great curves. I'm the "big" sister in all meanings. It looks like my mom liked me best and gave me their food. The up side of both my sisters being pregnant is that I get to see them getting fat. Okay so I know that it's not really getting fat, but I tell myself that to make me feel better.

Referrals are coming out today. I'm not exactly sure of the cut off yet but it's between 9/27/05 and 9/29/05. I can't wait for people to start posting those referral pics. I have only seen one so far and what a CUTIE! With the Chinese New Year coming up CCAA will close down. It's bummer, but what are you going to do. It's their BIG holiday and you have to respect that.

I just heard from Frenchie and he's liking his new job. I'm thrilled about that. I'll get all the details tonight and share any good stuff later. The only thing is that he and I see the world in very different ways. He might not be amused enough to mention the good stuff. With me it's way too easy to be amused by people that I work with. There was the Man Hater. Total nut job supreme. Everything was a man's fault. The books didn't balance it was because of a man. If her panties were in a wad then it was because the were designed by a man. I would like to lock her in a room with Fishing Vest Guy some time. He only has negative things to say, but he says it all with a smile on his face. I honestly have never heard him say anything remotely positive in the five years that I have known him. Caffeine Boy really dug that about Fishing Vest Guy. Like he always loved talking to him. Caffeine Boy was a great one too. I never saw that guy without a coffee cup or can of coke in his hand. He was a smoker too. Down here on the mall you are asked for a cigarette every couple of minutes. When he was asked for one he'd request a quarter as payment. Naturally the bum would say that they didn't have a quarter so Caffeine Boy would point to random person walking by and tell the bum to go get a quarter from random guy and give it to him. Looks like I got off on a tangent. I'll blog when I have way more time about other crazy people that amuse me.

We got free box tickets with VIP parking for the Colorado Mammoth at the Pepsi Center. I had never been to a lacrosse game, had box tickets, or the extra VIP perk. I had two extra tickets so Bill & CC joined us. I'm so glad that they did since we all had a great night. The game was really fun. It's really a lot like hockey except for the ice and the netted sticks. Still it's as exciting and violent. I think that we have all found a new sport that we dig. The box was really cool too. I'm not sure that I want to back to regular seats any more. The other box tickets were used by my friend Shayna and her buddies. I could not have imagined a better night with a better group of people.

Our NYE was pretty quiet. We spent it with Shane. We went to a nice dinner and followed it up with playing games and drinking at my house.

Frenchie will start a new job downtown tomorrow. I think that it's okay to say now that he was laid off of work just over two weeks ago. He did receive enough severance to get us by for a little while, but it was still very stressful. Growing up my Dad got laid off the job several times. The stress from that during my childhood has made me a bit freakish about security. I did have a couple of small break downs, but nothing too major. I was pretty happy with that. I do have to mention how smart my big boy is. I have never seen so much interest so quickly for anyone. He sent his resume out and instantly people were calling in droves. I can't believe how quickly he got a job. Really we went through two major storms that shut down the city plus Christmas. I am so proud to be married to the guy that everyone wants. Even once he excepted the new job employers were still calling him for other positions. He's been the prom queen for a couple of weeks and that has been great for him. He really is excited to start the new job. He has hated not working these last couple of weeks.