Quick entry -

Sorry that I haven't had much to say. I'll start some much needed time off on Friday. I'm not really sure if I'll blog while I'm out or not. With everything thing going on with my Grandpa it's not been easy. It's all that I can think about.

I don't have any adoption news or anything. They are saying that it could go up to three years. We are almost through one. Frederic and I did some talking and some research this weekend on other areas that we might look into further. I'm certainly interested in pursing another adoption while staying in China. I never really understood what this would be like. I fear that if we don't try something new soon that this will be it for us. I think that these days we have forgotten what is at the end of this long wait. We don't have the same excitement and thrill that we did even six months ago. On the other hand there isn't the same hurt either. I would say it's a fair assessment say that I am numb these days. Really, I think that it's for the best.

Poppa -

I just don't even know where to start. I received a call last night that my Poppa had a stroke on Monday and has been in a coma for the fast few days. My mind is in a haze really. Poppa is my grandfather through my bio dad's side. To make it clear I have nothing to do with my bio dad. Still, I loved my grandparents. That is a bond that all the drama in the world could break. There are so many things running through my head. Why weren't we told on like Monday? I live in Colorado. He lives in Texas. How else were we going to find out? To be nice I guess, I told my Aunt that I would track my bio dad down. I can't/won't have any contact with him, but I would do my research. So I guess that this is where I tell you that I had to call to find out what prison he was in this time. My heart is in shambles right now. I'm pissed off because it was just last night that was told. I'm ashamed that I had to call and request inmate information. The worst part is that I'm so sad that I cannot manage to make it an hour without a breakdown. I worry that I might not have been a good enough grand-daughter. Did I write enough? Did I show my love enough? Did I try to visit enough? I really don't think so.

Guardians

So last night Nora and Nate asked if Frenchie and I would be the legal guardians of Baby Belle if something should happen to the both of them. Frenchie was not home, but I knew that I could give answer without him. The reason for that being that I have bitched and carried on that neither one of my sisters had asked us. Really it makes the most sense and I don't care if it sounds conceded. It's true! We are already planning on raising children that were not products of our loins. Frenchie and I are a really great couple. We balance each other out with my play and his structure. I really do know that we will rock as parents. This applies to both sisters, so I am waiting for Amy and Steve to pop the question. I mean, we asked them.

So I know that I sound like a spoiled child, but I am very happy that we were asked. Humm, I should try to remember to tell Frenchie about this. It is an honor and a big decision for them to make. I obviously have wanted this honor for quite some time. It makes my eyes well up with tears just thinking about it. especially since Nate does really know us. I'm not really sure what I look like through his eyes. Considering the only times that we have been around each other have been very abnormal I really imagine that it's good accurate portrayal. So it is a big deal and I do not want anyone to think that I'm making less of a deal about it.

Eleven Months -

Today marks month eleven since we have been LID. I know that we probably aren't even half way through. At the moment I have no feelings about that. Other blogs that I follow you see a mix of people and their decisions. One dropped out all together and they will most likely become parents before us with their new route. Another couple has decided to pursue another route while still keeping their dossier in China. They too will be parents to the new child before their Chinese daughter. Many have gone the special needs route to get a referral sooner.

Frenchie and I are in talks of discussing the matter. This thrills me. At one point he was not ready to even talk about a discussion at a later time. He is at a point where he is comfortable now. It's been killing me not to push him and to let him come to it in his own time. It really does take a lot for me to hold myself back, but it's worth it. When Frenchie is comfortable too then I know it's right for us. I know that it sounds silly to talk about when and if we might have a talk about stuff. The thing is that we are diving into major life changes here. I can fly by the seat of my pants, but Frenchie certainly has to think thing out thoroughly before proceeding. I have to respect that. Besides, it's not his fault. Not everyone can be as cool as me.

Wicked M-Word Day ....

Every single year since Frenchie and I decided to have a family I have told myself that THIS is the last year that I will not be a mom on Mother's Day. It's always a very hard day, but each time I sooth myself with the idea that it will be different next year. There have been lots of next years and every year the pain is immense. I did not do that this year. I tried a more realistic approach. There were no promises to myself that I knew would just be broken. I kept so busy all weekend to perhaps keep ahead of it all. It's a hard thing to to hide from your feelings. I don't know how those women like me do it. They always take this very special day and focus on those moms that they love. Maybe I'm just too selfish, but I can't do that. Here is where I confess my sins. I refused to pick up the phone yesterday. I did not even call my own Mom and Grandma. It's not that I wasn't thinking of them and wishing them a wonderful day. Who could not? The thing is that I could not run the risk of them mentioning that it was a first Mother's Day for both my sisters. I would have broken. That would not have made things good with my Mom or Grandma. It would have hurt my Mom to know that I was in pain. My Grandma would have told me to suck it up and then tell me that she doesn't understand why we are going through China anyway. I would have held that against her. Thankfully, my Mom will totally forgive me. Grandma, well she has three kids, eight grand kids, and six great-grand kids. I think that she was busy enough with the rest of them that my non-call will go unnoticed.

After our crazy day we went to dinner down in lodo with Ang. We billed it as a late birthday present and then went to see Wicked. I had way too much to drink at dinner, but I was very thankful about that. It really shaved away from the edges I had been feeling all day. The crab stuffed salmon from McCormick's is my very favorite dish on the planet. I could live on that stuff. So the highlight of it all was Wicked. I LOVED IT. We may have had the worst seats ever (I'm cheap), but it was the best show that I have ever seen hands down. I must see it again and again. For those of you that don't know the story it's about the Wicked Witch of the West pre being melted with a bucket of water. She is the heroin of the story. She was green and because of that the other kids in school made her an outsider. Her roommate Galinda/Glinda was my favorite. I laughed so hard at her. This was seriously the best musical ever. I can't get the Gravity and Popular songs out of my head. LOVED IT!! It was smart and funny and beautiful. I really recommend this to anyone.

TV talk -

Okay, I have to admit that even I was way shocked and confused about Lost last night. Jacob is a ghost? Maybe just invisible? Maybe just Ben just jacking around with Locke? Still, I end up every thirty seconds telling Frenchie " I told you so". That really doesn't add up to much any more since he started ignoring me long ago. Then again, he is still thinking that they are dead - SUCKA! PS - I hate Jack and Kate!!!

One of my biggest guilty pleasures is the Gilmore Girls. Next week it's over forever. I hadn't hated Rory in a long time, but when she turned down Logan's proposal I wanted to hit a bitch! I know. I know. Yes, I am a little embarrassed but I can no longer hide my love for Gilmore Girls.

They have been playing repeats of Ghost Hunters a lot preparing for the new season. Is it wrong that I now want to move to Rhode Island and become part of the team? Okay, the truth is that I just want to be alone in the dark with Steve. Yummmie!

Oh, and how great has Heroes been! I like that they are finally getting somewhere. It's slightly creepy but future Hiro really kinda does it for me.

Yes, I'd like another -

I haven't posted lately because I really don't have too much going on. Frenchie seems to be happy going back to his old company. This is just lovely. Also in the lovely department is that we are finally talking about a second adoption. We both agree that we will keep our dossier in China. I will not give up on Sophia. This will sound insane to those of you that don't actually know me, but I can't grieve over the loss of a second imaginary child. That entire ordeal took more out of me than I could have ever believed. I think Frenchie is drooling over the idea of a son too. These days I don't care boy or girl. It would be a dream to have one of each. Hell, it would be a dream to just have one, but if we can pursue two adoptions why not. I really don't care where, race, or gender. I just want us to be a family. The last two months of referrals have been traumatic to say the least. Even the most chipper of China adoption bloggers are completely breaking down. I guess that's the upside of my realistic expectation of our wait. It may kill me, but I never lied to myself about what the wait was going to become.