Oh Brother Where Art Thou?

Do you ever get those nagging feelings out of nowhere? Perhaps think of something or someone that you never do in a normal day? Since writing earlier about only having sisters I can't stop thinking that is a lie (kinda). The truth of the matter is that I have a half brother (birth father side) out there somewhere. I believe that he is about A's age maybe a year younger. All I really know is that his name is Jeremy and his mom's name is Lucy. I know, so much to go on. I have never met him. I do have a picture of him. That's kinda of an odd story too. Before my dad met my mom he was dating (living with) a woman named Lucy. This Lucy chick was not a stranger to my mom. In fact my mom knew that my birth father had cheated on her with this woman and they had a baby. In the end my mom and dad ended up getting married. Or as we say "We got married" since A and I left like it was a family thing. Many years later my dad was going through some old items not looked at in years. In the items was a family picture of sorts. It was my dad, Lucy, and her kids. The baby in the picture was my little brother. So I do have something. Not much, but I still hold on to that picture. It's not very often that this even crosses my mind, but when it happens I can't shake it loose. What is he like? Where does he live? Is he married? Does he have kids? Is he happy? Has he done well for himself? Does he know his birth father's side of the family? Is there a relationship with them? Does he know that he has two sisters in A and I? Does he wonder about me too? What would happen if I tried to find him? Would he even want that? Truth be told I don't know that if I found him that I would ever have the courage/nerve to contact him. Still I want to see him. I want to know that he's okay. I want to know that he is loved and that he loves others.

This is nothing compared to what my daughter will go through. I do understand that. My heart already breaks for her. I'm just not sure what I'll say for sure when she comes to me with questions about her birth mother. Do I tell her that it's too bad because she'll most likely never have answers? Do I give her the standard story of the one child policy in China?

Let's talk about sex baby...

We have asked for a girl. I realize that when you have a baby naturally this is not a choice. Let's face facts. Adoption is not the same. China is not the same. There are far more girls available. I'm okay with sex selection in this case. If there were an equal amount of boys and girls I really don't see the point in requesting one or the other. I don't remotely feel bad for requesting a girl in this situation. There is certainly a chance that we could be referred to a boy and that's cool too. It would just mean that I'll need to redecorate (a lot). Still those chances are small and we should be referred to a girl. I love that I get to plan on a girl and prepare her room for it. I love all the pretty and pink. Girls have better clothes. It's been my dream forever to be able to do this stuff. It's all very fun. I can't help but to wonder if we will ever have a son. As a man I think that it is important to Frenchie. It's this thing for men to have that strong and masculine son. Growing up there were only girls in my family. I have two sisters and in family there are only granddaughters. I never got the boy thing until Ayden. I had never changed a boy's diaper until Ayden. I guess up until my little man I didn't realize how great boys could be. I guess we'll see what the future holds for us. I have to say that it wouldn't break my heart for Sophie to have a little brother some day.

Relationship rambling....

I'm not some shy docile thing that feels my place is to serve my husband. I feel I'm a whole human being on my own. I choose to be with Frenchie because I want to. Never would I want to be with someone because I felt incomplete without them. I love my husband dearly, but it is not an easy thing to be married. I struggle to find balance by myself and to toss him into the mix isn't always simple. I am very proud of the marriage that Frenchie and I have. Give or take we truly have an equal partnership. I think that it's important to understand the value of the other. My sisters and friends have very different relationships with their husbands/boyfriends and that's fine. I don't think that there is just one formula to making it work. But do you ever judge the way a couple works together? I do. Is it catty and wrong? Sure thing, but at least I'm honest about it. What's worse is when you can't judge. You know, when both people are really great and have every right to feel the way that they do. I guess that this brings me to the "bad breakerupers". SUE and BOB are both totally great people together and apart. They had been together and then not together (back and forth with that about 12 times) for about four years. I understood why the relationship "ended". There was no big fault, just two great people that weren't working. No bad guy. Still some times it was a train wreck and what can you do about a train wreck? Well they broke up (kinda). They still talk. They still see each other. They actually have way more sex than they did together. They are certainly nicer to each other. But don't think for a moment that they wont correct you to tell you that they are broken up (they just do it badly). But that's just it. This relationship stuff is hard. What do you do when you love someone but it's just not working? There has to be thousands of bad breakerupers out there. There are divorces and break-ups that you can see a mile away. It's easy when there is a bad guy and an idiot. I just don't know what to do when there is not a party that fits either of those categories.

Made for my SIL

Made for Little Miss Russia

I am so sick!!! I had not realized till I posted the picture that I have that bottom righthand square turned wrong. I seriously could cry!!!

My rocking chair for the nursery

My weekend...

Wanna hear about my weekend trip? Well there isn't so much to tell. I took Friday day off just to spend it on the side of the interstate. Why? Well they closed it! I tried again and thought that I would wait it out. I thought wrong. So I got up early on Saturday to head over and guess what? Closed again. I was very upset and bitter by that point. I was a bawling mess. I just wanted to see A and the baby. Was that so much to ask? Well it must have been. After three failed attempts I just gave up.

Since I had nothing better to do I made a quilt for Little Miss Russia. It is my favorite that I have done so far. I'm not exactly good at it. I do think that I have a good eye for color. The girly quilts that I have done are bright and vibrant. They are the ones that I think are so much fun to do. I'll get pictures up at some point.

I lost another two pounds!! That makes me happy. This is a strict ass diet. It's not easy but it is worth it!

This is our last week with Ayden. I'm going to miss that little man.

This is why I should not save up my thoughts to post..

Where to start?

Today makes 8 months since we have been LID. This really could be a drop in the bucket if things stretch out as much as everyone thinks they will. The deal is that China has never gone past 18 months to referral in the past. This is good. The truth is that it doesn't mean that they can't go above and beyond 18 months now. This is honest. I haven't had a breakdown in some time. I think that I'm just numb. I really think at this point that Sophia is my dream that will never come true.

Frenchie got us 1 hour massages for Valentines Day. Lordy, I love to be rub by strangers while I'm naked. Thanks Big Boy!

My little niece is doing well. I'll take off tomorrow to go see her. It's harder with N. She is so far away. I see pictures of the big belly and talk to her on the phone, but it doesn't feel real to me. I truly hope that they do really move back to Colorado. I want it to not only feel real, but it needs to be real.

I joined LA Weight loss last week. My diet started on Sunday with a two day "cleanse". I had lost two pounds by Monday evening. I went in yesterday and saw that I lost another two pounds. This really is a diet and a huge adjustment for me. The thing is that I have to do something to not only get these pounds off, but I also need to relearn to eat. I have used every excuse in the book to eat for most of my life. I'm an emotional eater. I'm a social eater. I'm a stress eater. Since I'm eating so much food today I won't eat very much tomorrow. Everyday it was talk that I would be better tomorrow. My tomorrows have built me a big ass. Every time that I go shopping I have to go up a size. It's never because I have gotten fatter. It's because they have made the sizes smaller. I was shocked to get on the scale that first day. I had gained about eight pounds in like a month! WTF?? My fat clothes have become my skinny clothes in the blink of an eye. I was just getting fatter by the day and lying to myself about it. I can't keep doing that to myself. So I have to hold strong and hope that my friends will support me. I need to be held accountable for the things that I put in my mouth. In this program I have to go in to be weighed three times a week. There is no cheating with three times a week. To start I'm looking forward to my clothes and underwear fitting again. Let's just say that I'm busting out of almost everything that I own. It's really not attractive. Really! Then I'll go down one size and that feeling is so great. I miss the way that feels. I'm not trying to be a skinny girl by any means, I just want to be normal. I don't need to wear a size small. I would be happy with a large and thrilled with a medium. But I'm going to take this day by day and concentrate on that. There is nothing that I can do about my tomorrows if I'm not doing what I need to do today.

We only have one week left with Ayden. It sucks! The first week will be fine. It will feel like I'm on vacation. I'm just interested to see what the week after is going to look like. We love that kid. I wish that I had the words to describe how much we love that kid. I think that it may be just as hard on Frenchie, but I'm not sure that he'll show it. Kinda breaks my heart already to even think about missing him.

She's here!!!!!

My sweet niece was born at 2:32 today. She is 6 pounds 10 ounces. She has a head full of dark hair and brown eyes just like her daddy. I can't wait to see her on Friday!! I am so proud to finally be Auntie M!!

Today is the day....

They induced my sister A this morning. Her water has broke. They are trying to give her an epidural right now, but it's not going well. A is in pain from that and is extremely tense. Mom is hurting for A. Poor Steve says he's having hot flashes. My dad is on call and can't get away from work. I guess that it could be like another eight hours.

Catching up-

Sorry that it's been a while since I posted. It's been kinda crazy.

My sister A's doctor decided to wait yet another week to induce her. A is very upset and I don't blame her. Although I have been telling her that she is not trying hard enough to have my niece. I also told her that she is being lazy, mean, and selfish. At least I can get a laugh out of her that way.

My sister N freaked us out the other night. Homegirl hadn't been eating, she was dehydrated, and super sick. They have got her on an IV, so they'll be better in no time. I really think that she'll have to go on bed rest soon. She's just too big with baby for being such a small girl.

Shane was my date last night to a birthday party drag show. We had a great time. I want him to make some homo friends so badly. He is the most outgoing fun boy that I have ever met. It's just that when he is around other homos he becomes a shy wall flower. I'd love nothing more for him to be in a happy relationship and if I can't get that I would settle for some solid friendships.

So yesterday I had lunch with CC. I had recently given her my blog address so I asked her what she thought. I about laughed my ass off when she said that she never knew I was "deep". This is how great she is. I see it as self pitty. She sees it as deep. I love her for that!! Also, she just had her hair done after a nightmare color job. I have to tell you that homegirl was looking so good. It's now my goal in life to get myself, CC, and Ang together for a ladies night out. These are two chickitas that I can't live with out. It would be lovely for them to meet (again).

Tonight is the recognition dinner for work. In fact I'm going to start my drive over the mountain as soon as I post this. I'm bummed just because I'm going to have to wait to see the new Lost tonight. One more day without Sayid and Sawyer. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it!

So Ayden stayed with his mother's friend last night. There has been some drama as to who will keep him some nights. Anyway, I heard from Tosh this morning and she told me that Ayden was NOT taken care of by her friend. He was crusty from head to toe from eating and spitting up since he was never changed or cleaned. She's not sure that his diaper was changed the entire night. It was oozing with number one and two by the time she got him back. Needless to say that that chick will never have the chance to keep him again. I was so pissed to hear this. It's hard enough thinking of that chick with any baby, but that was MY kid ( or close enough anyway). I don't know this girl and I better not ever get the chance to meet her. I'm not okay with what happened. My worry is that she was left alone all night. Ayden is a little man that needs the attention. What would have happened if he would have had one of his episodes?

Oh Frenchie and I had a good time at his first Av's game. We went to dinner at the place where we had our first date. It was nice. I love my big boy!

Well I had better hit the road. I'll blog about any good stuff, or better.... the bad stuff.

Ice Ice Baby

So my little Beau lost a bet. So he had to shave tracks in is eye brow a la Vanilla Ice style. I got to do the honors. It was too much fun. I had to clippie his hair back and that was enough to make all of us giggle. It was so great. Even Beau took advantage and played up the situation and posed for us.

I'm going to take Frenchie to his first hockey game. I know that I love to go, so I'm sure that he will too. We will also head out for a lovely dinner. We are doing a low key celebration of our first date that was five years ago. It's crazy to think that I pretended to understand what he was saying through that thick accent and he was pretending that he wasn't checking out my cleavage all night. Oh the best part was that I HATE violent movies. So he took me to see Black Hawk Down. Nice huh? Oh, well it's five years and we are still together. Sure I broke up with him once, but it was only for a weekend.

I have also posted the update on the CCAA website. So this bunch of referrals were from 9/28/05 to 10/13/05. The review room is also up to 03/22/06, so that's good. We are less than three months of LID's away from being reviewed. I'll feel better once I know that we are out of the review room, hopefully with no questions. People that have been questioned in the review room have not received referrals with other families with their LID. They are pushed back a batch or two.