This is why I should not save up my thoughts to post..

Where to start?

Today makes 8 months since we have been LID. This really could be a drop in the bucket if things stretch out as much as everyone thinks they will. The deal is that China has never gone past 18 months to referral in the past. This is good. The truth is that it doesn't mean that they can't go above and beyond 18 months now. This is honest. I haven't had a breakdown in some time. I think that I'm just numb. I really think at this point that Sophia is my dream that will never come true.

Frenchie got us 1 hour massages for Valentines Day. Lordy, I love to be rub by strangers while I'm naked. Thanks Big Boy!

My little niece is doing well. I'll take off tomorrow to go see her. It's harder with N. She is so far away. I see pictures of the big belly and talk to her on the phone, but it doesn't feel real to me. I truly hope that they do really move back to Colorado. I want it to not only feel real, but it needs to be real.

I joined LA Weight loss last week. My diet started on Sunday with a two day "cleanse". I had lost two pounds by Monday evening. I went in yesterday and saw that I lost another two pounds. This really is a diet and a huge adjustment for me. The thing is that I have to do something to not only get these pounds off, but I also need to relearn to eat. I have used every excuse in the book to eat for most of my life. I'm an emotional eater. I'm a social eater. I'm a stress eater. Since I'm eating so much food today I won't eat very much tomorrow. Everyday it was talk that I would be better tomorrow. My tomorrows have built me a big ass. Every time that I go shopping I have to go up a size. It's never because I have gotten fatter. It's because they have made the sizes smaller. I was shocked to get on the scale that first day. I had gained about eight pounds in like a month! WTF?? My fat clothes have become my skinny clothes in the blink of an eye. I was just getting fatter by the day and lying to myself about it. I can't keep doing that to myself. So I have to hold strong and hope that my friends will support me. I need to be held accountable for the things that I put in my mouth. In this program I have to go in to be weighed three times a week. There is no cheating with three times a week. To start I'm looking forward to my clothes and underwear fitting again. Let's just say that I'm busting out of almost everything that I own. It's really not attractive. Really! Then I'll go down one size and that feeling is so great. I miss the way that feels. I'm not trying to be a skinny girl by any means, I just want to be normal. I don't need to wear a size small. I would be happy with a large and thrilled with a medium. But I'm going to take this day by day and concentrate on that. There is nothing that I can do about my tomorrows if I'm not doing what I need to do today.

We only have one week left with Ayden. It sucks! The first week will be fine. It will feel like I'm on vacation. I'm just interested to see what the week after is going to look like. We love that kid. I wish that I had the words to describe how much we love that kid. I think that it may be just as hard on Frenchie, but I'm not sure that he'll show it. Kinda breaks my heart already to even think about missing him.